"At the beginning of lesson
two of this class I mentioned that in denying parts of my
Light, I created two spirits who were separate from me. The first
I became aware of is called Lucifer, and the other is Ahriman,
more often called Satan. Reclaiming the lost Spirit essence in
these beings is the first priority in my healing. Until I and
all other other spirits have reigned in and redeemed their energies,
attitudes and behaviors, the Mother will experience pain at the
hand of Spirit, regardless of our intention.
"I have also mentioned that in the beginning
of my awareness I had many questions. I wondered about myself
and where I'd come from, how I got started, and where my existence
was taking me. I began to experiment with myself to learn more
about these issues, and hopefully answer some of my questions.
I tried hiding from myself, forgetting things I'd learned, and
making things up to see if just thinking them would make them
"Later, when I first noticed the Mother's
presence, I was initially annoyed by the disturbance she was
causing. But soon I became very curious as well. I wanted to
know all about her, and I experimented with her in many of the
same ways I had with myself. I didn't know another way of learning,
and because I had not yet any Heart presence, my only interest
besides my inner reveries was my scientific curiosity.
"Magnetic essence was new to me, and
I persisted in my studies. My prodding and poking hurt her, and
my response to her recoil was anger that she would not stay present
for my experiments. I was also suspicious of her because I didn't
know who or what she was, or how she got here in 'my' space.
"My anger and suspicions imprinted her,
and she reflected these back to me. At the time I couldn't understand
why this unknown something was suddenly here, and angry at me.
I just wanted to learn more about it, why didn't it trust me?
"A split happened in me then. Part of
me remained suspicious and curious, and yet somewhat aloof and
detached. Another part began to be drawn into the smooth, rhythmic
wiggling of the magnetic essence. I found her movements pleasing
then, and I felt for the first time in my existence... joy.
"I decided to focus on the pleasant new
feelings, so I disregarded my curiosity and suspicions and paid
attention to the joy that was becoming the foundation of my Heart.
In the presence of the Mother I was experiencing love, but I
didn't know that's what it was at the time. It was different
than what I'd felt in my inner reveries. It felt somehow more
substantial and 'real.' Whatever it was, I knew I liked it, and
I wanted more.
"But soon curiosity
returned, and with it came the feeling that I must detach from
this thing, or I wouldn't be able to learn more about it. I did
detach and study the magnetic essence again, and that's when
I knew that I wanted to use it to help me understand myself better.
I noticed its reflective nature and I wanted it to show me what
I looked liked.
"In my detached state, away from the
thing, I could study it, analyze it, make judgments about it,
and therefore understand it better, I thought. However, as soon
as I came into contact with it, I again came under its spell
and lost the sense of being myself.
"Although I felt joyously enraptured by the closeness and
the pleasure of that contact, I also felt somehow confined and
enclosed by it. I knew if I wanted to use this thing as a mirror,
I'd have to get close enough to see myself, and yet stay separate
enough to avoid being caught up in its energy. I became an engineer
then, adding to my already budding talents as a scientist.
"However, there was a miscalculation on my part. As I came
into proximity of my new mirror, I got a good look at myself,
and I very much liked what I saw. My Light increased with excitement,
and as my excitement grew, I learned more about how to increase
its intensity by just watching myself do it."
"At one point in pumping myself up, I
became very excited and my Light suddenly and dramatically amplified.
In the same moment, the magnetic essence became much more attracted
to me and began moving to fully contain me. I felt my whole self
being drawn into her strong magnetic field as she opened herself
very wide to engulf me.
My excitement became so intense that I could
no longer stay present with it. In denial of my true safety here,
the intense exhilaration of my pumped-up Light turned in an instant
to sheer terror that I would be swallowed up by something that
had somehow become even bigger than me.
"My reaction was instinctive and swifter
than my ability to think. The fast-moving terror was more excitement
than I knew possible and I quickly multiplied the intensity of
my Light in an instinctive effort to propel myself out of there,
to save myself from being consumed by my mirror.
resulting explosion was the conception of manifestation, the
birth of this Creation... but it literally blew most of the magnetic
essence into fragments that accelerated very quickly into the
darkness. Although I know now that my reaction caused a deep
and devastating imprint of fear of sentience
in all consciousness, it wasn't even a consideration in the
intensity of the moment.
"The blast had ripped from me my newly
found love and joy, and I felt great grief for that profound
loss. Very quickly my feelings of grief were replaced by a new
sensation of fear that I'd never see her again. I missed that
thing. And I was quite uncomfortable with myself, fearing both
that she would eat me whole if she could, and that I might never
see her again.
"I turned inward again to avoid feeling
anymore, and soon taught myself to forget. I then returned to
my studies of myself and my existence, and for a very long time
I didn't think much more about that wondrous, vexing 'thing'
that had come and gone in such a spectacular way.
"Much later, when I encountered her again,
I remembered my earlier interest and excitement, and apparently
she did too. We didn't realize we were both quite diminished
since our first meeting. And in denial of our fragmentation we
began a relationship. That's when I
visited the Void and used the dividing line to further fragment
myself by separating the qualities of my Light that were pleasing
to the Mother from the qualities that weren't.
as you know, was the result of dividing myself. The other result
of doing this, unknown to me until very recently... was that
I became Ahriman. When I returned from the void, I returned split
off from Lucifer. I was now identified as the clever scientist
and engineer I thought myself to be... Ahriman, the god
of Power. And I hadn't realized until quite recently that
the qualities of my Light that had empowered me to figure out
how to split myself, and that prompted me very soon thereafter
to engage in denial and deception... were not qualities of my
core essence, Loving Light.
"They were the qualities of a devil.
I had often thought fondly of myself as 'a clever devil' for
being so smart about these and other matters, but it's been only
recently that I've realized how sadly true that was.
"Ahriman is the clever devil in humanity,
too. He's the scientist who invents yet another way to use or
override Nature, the Mother's domain in manifestation.
"He's the engineer who designs the tools
that empower the scientist and the warrior. He's the kindly tinkerer
who remains detached enough to find a new use for old things.
He's the accountant that knows how to present the facts... so
as the banker and investor he will finance the ventures of the
scientist, engineer and warrior.
"He's the surgeon whose cool craft denies
the body's wholeness. He's the judge who evaluates the evidence
and passes judgment, not from his heart, but from the mental
abstractions of the written law.
"Ahriman is in every human. He's the
left-brained devil whose cool logic and detached judgments point
out that emotional presence is flawed and somehow wrong. He's
the clever devil whose financial and technical skills dazzle
and impress, and get him lots of recognition in the form of wealth
"And we need him. We need him under Love.
His skills and talents are crucial to the evolution of Creation
and the realization of the Mother's
dream. Like Lucifer, he is now waiting
to be redeemed so that the goodness of his skills and qualities
can be employed by loving Light in service to the Mother in manifesting
her desires... the end of suffering wholeness
of Being, and the realization of her
"For a very long time I had thought most
favorably of Ahriman's qualities, and considered them my own.
I was identified as Ahriman, the god of Power that human religions
honor and worship. And for a very long time I did not realize
that as Ahriman I had a separate existence, a life apart from
my true core essence... loving Light. I had accepted all his
good qualities of detached mental activity as mine, and attributed
the parts of Ahriman I didn't like to Lucifer or the 'Denial
Spirits,' the Asuras."