|By Scot on Friday, March 23, 2001 - 12:54 pm:|
Today I had a very powerful experience of coming out of shock to feel the terror I have been frozen in right beneath the surface. This is my terror story, and I share it knowing you too are having similar experiences, and I share it in graditude for all you on this Forum that have been courageous enough to come forward and be real about your moving terror.
It started for me, once upon a time, this morning, when reading in my Hotel room Krow sharing and reminding me of the power of Body to heal. Thank you Krow, and thank you Sumre for affirming.
What I got from you was a gentle invitaion to really go back into my body and be with my real feelings, to express, vibrate, move however I needed to to help myself.
I moved about digesting this reminder, feeling into my body, warming up...then suddenly something happened to me and I was face to face with my own stark frozen terror. I felt as if I was in shock, almost paralyzed. I felt mute and whimpery at the same time. I was in the same world but in a whole new world also.
Oh fuck, this is my lost terror, I sense, my lost will returning as terror vibrating. So many energies swept thru me that I find it hard to express the fullness here. What I can say is as uncomfortable as this was I also felt self-love present helping me along, like my parental parts were holding me and guiding me within.
In sparks of life I vibrated my returning will in my body, I released judgements, I sensed "oh my god, this part has always been here close to me...right beneath the surface...so close I did not even notice because this me was frozen numb and not vibrating and I had no consciounness here....until it moved and I became aware...of my pure terror of being...here now...in my body."
I accepted this meas best I could, understanding the need to vibrate this terror to help my will come alive. I moved panic feelings in my chest, I made little sounds to help movement.
Eventually, as little movements made more movement easier, I began to move my body freely in all and any ways that felt appropiate, I swayed and gently shook, I danced my own unique terror moving dance.....and I sang my own unique terror songs of sounds vibrating life.
And I began to feel gaps in me close, I felt what I sensed was Ahriman-in-me, the same Ahriman, that like "God", had almost totally become my spirit presence consciousness.....I felt this my denied spirit being redeemed on waves of moving terror.....and as my gap here closed I felt my will essence vibrating terror actually drawing in loving light and some kind of fusion happen in my body.....
I sensed I was grounding Grace, grounding real loving light from/to my body center...I felt, wow, I am embodying divinity....this little piece, here in my body. This divinity was my compassionate kiss and embrace of this my will so long lost and holding terror.
And as my healing dance and song continued and evolved, I felt some new life being born in me, new hope uplift my heart. I felt what I sensed was my real desire beginning to vibrate in love, having a new experience, knowing new possibilties, feeling good.
Even now as I write this I feel this new glow in my chest. I feel so alive in these places I was really almost dead. And still layers of terror and fear are moving through, but they are moving into my acceptance....and then some rage surfaces and demands movement....and then another layer of terror....I really feel like something in me is being born for the first time....it is new, different, very sensitive and alive, somewhat fragile, and very excited also.....I feel as if I am riding some new wave of life, on which being spontaneous is the natural thing, in which there are lots of bumps and splashes and even crashes, but which just keeps flowing and growing and....
....carrying me in some wholeself embrace to who I really am....alive with self-healing powers and that much more free will presence available now to help free the rest of my trapped and lost will...to help love me out of hell whenever and wherever my next piece moves....into this new heart I am learning to manifest.
|By Antara on Friday, March 23, 2001 - 01:25 pm:|
Amazing Grace, the magic ingredient to turn the tide is what I feel you are grounding. Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience. I think I understand more now. You just gave my broken heart a bid dose of love. I think I can now go in to where I have feared to tread.
Blessings & Love
|By Scot on Tuesday, March 27, 2001 - 03:03 am:|
thank you for saying this, Antara....for me so much of this healing work is about learning how to go where i have feared to tread......not to go by forcing myself, cuz that is my old way and has only caused more damaged and greater imbalances to heal now....but to go in great love and understanding for all i have hurt in me....to go with great dedication for my whole self, especially my trapped and lost will so needing real loving sensitivity now.....blessings and love for us all, dear one.....scot
|By Revillo on Saturday, May 05, 2001 - 10:23 am:|
Hi Scot,thanks for your story,I have a quiet resembling thing with body,it's like that:Huge forms of a strange tension were building up in my body since I don't know when,I didn't recognize it because it felt NORMAL to me all this time,feeling miserable was normal to my body and I didn't pay attention.(In fact I was hating him all the time!)So then one day I was with a healer and she placed hands on me in some technique('shin chin juitsu' or something like that??) and after 5 min or so my body started to tremble in real heavy spasms,looking somewhat like an exorcism or an orgasm that lasted 1 hour (no sex involved),really confusing and scary to me the first time.I couldn't really TRUST myself if that was real,I had so less contact to body all the time,and as you say,several layers of whatever in me were numb and frozen.
Anyway,recently I was with a girlfriend and I felt the same tensions having built up again,it was so strong that I hardly could walk,I just had to think about it,feel into it and the spasms were close to get off,-even in the middle of the street!I held it down certainly until I was home,coward me,fearing I would freak out on the street when I gave in to it,so I took it home,and relaxed on the bed to contact it(the way to contact it is to concentrate on muscle relexation),then my friend came in to assist me because I told her what was going on,she held my neck and head,and it started again real heavily(although she has no knowing of the technique of this healer),my body freaked out,really like in 'the exorcist',it choked and grasped (I don't know all the correct words in english,but you get the idea),it bend and jumped in spasms,every face muscle was contracted to the utmost as in the highest experienceable pain,sometimes hyperventilating sometimes not breathing at all.
Then bodymuscles were contracting heavily to form some kind of a certain pain-pattern,this was a contraction of the left side muscles from the head on down the shoulders and chest,clearly aiming at the heart,until a very sharp stinging pain in the heart appeared ,as if it was pressed to death.And I was DOING IT!And I recognized the feeling.This had been going on all the time,but without me knowing it,hidden.And now I was CONTACTING it,and this was indeed how it felt,I was contacting a part of me physically,that I never had contact with before.And so it was a very ambivalent thing of feeling this intense and threatening pain,and at the same time being very close to myself,much closer than I ever was!And as you said too Scot,it was FEAR that prevented this contact all the time,controlled by physical pain.I didn't DARE to be in there,in this body and in this life!And in my case fearing the responsibility,and the risk of LOSING,which then would lead to death seemingly.So spirit preferred to cut off from body,from real presence,and preferred to strangle the so 'dangerous' WILL that called on trouble,and finally proceeded to strangle heart itself too.Just to fade out from life more and more.'Saved',but saved to death...
Well that's my experience,you think it's similar to yours too? I forgot to say that after this last time with my friend I really felt as good as I never had before,for about half an hour and then it faded back again unfortunately,'weighty' in a very pleasant and positive way.I also forgot to say that I instinctively performed something very much the same than described in the 'True sacrifice'on Godchannel,which feels to be quiet effective.
Allright I'm gonna shut up now,once you get started...
So all the best to you Scot and the others,greetings from over here.See ya
|By Antara on Saturday, May 05, 2001 - 11:55 am:|
Hi Revillo. Jin Shin Jyutsu is the name of the healing art you were describing in your experience. I learned it about 12 years ago. Part of the principles of the art is that when an emotion is suppressed, there is a blockage of one of 12 energy flows. As a flow is blocked, it has the ability to block the emotion even more. By feeling the pulses like an acupuncturist, you can tell which flow is blocked. For instance the liver flow has to do with anger. As the flow is released, via the "jumper cabling" with the hands, the flow opens and the ability to release the emotion is enabled. It always works, however, our beliefs and judgments can very soon reinstate the original blockage. Twice after I worked on someone, and the "healing crisis" a temporary acceleration of symptoms, caused them to go to the emergency room, but by the time they got to see the doctor, it was over with.
Basically the teaching is that there are five major emotions, worry, fear, anger, grief and "trying to" that affect all the flows, and feeling of the pulses can even pick up the unmanifest symptoms in the etheric field before they manifest in the organs of the body.
Before I took the training, I went to San Antonio and visited with a practicioner who had been a therapist for many years. Then thru life circumstance was nearly dying herself and some one gave her Jin Shin treatments. She studied the art, then gradually started offering it to her clients. She discovered that she could accomplish in 30 minutes with the art, what would take at least 5 years of therapy. It even restored the voice to one person that could not be helped any other way. That convinced me to take the training. I have witnessed things happen to people which I would call nearly miraculous!.
Which brings me to say that I discovered this art about the same time I found Right Use of Will, and together I believe that the suppressing of emotions is the cause of disease. And practice of the art on myself has helped in my emotional work.
When I work on someone, memories and emotions come up, so now I am beginning to see that the release of emotions probably has more to do with the healing than the actual hands on.
Sometimes even without feeling the pulses, but listening to them talk, I can find which flows need to be addressed.
I just wanted to share this, it has helped me just in writing about it and what I want to do as I am in the process of making some major life changes.
|By Revillo on Tuesday, May 08, 2001 - 12:10 pm:|
Hi Antara,thanks for your information about jin shin jyutsu.Now I'm not so sure about the custom in this forum,I would love to know more about the thing,but I'm afraid the others think that it's a private business and would only clog up the usual traffic here.What about it? E-mailing?
Also,I didn't want to piss nobody of you others off,by quackin off about my precious experience too long,being my first(second) post,and probably just bore the shit out of you wise experienced oldtimers,who heard that all before.Am I right,or am I just trippin on my inferiority complex? I'm a little impatient at times. I know the books since 2 or 3 years now,being halfway thru OC2,seemed to me everybody else here knows the material since ages,maybe I'm really too rash.Maybe you'll let me know (then thanks),or not(then not).Love anyway (doin my best),revillo
P.S.:Yesyes,I DO have a little inferiority depression in the moment.Haha. Sorry.
|By Scot on Saturday, August 04, 2001 - 02:47 pm:|
I hope you read this! I am sorry I never responded to you here before now. I get so involved in my life outside the Forum I sometimes forget to check back in on a threads I have been involved in. Please know I am sorry and in no way meant to ignore you. You need to express and share and have received your expreience just as much as we all do. And doing this on the internet has its limits for sure. I am knowing more than ever before I need to receive myself first and foremost, and that means receiving in love all I feel and need express while alone or interacting with others.
To answer your first question, yes I can relate to your healing story shared above, and I appreciate you for coming forward to share it. It sounds very similar to mine, and I like knowing I am not the only one going thru such intense processes.
Like you, I too struggle with my inferiority complexes, and the superiority complexes underneath or above. Finding my center and helping these essences home has been most helpful to ending these pain-filled patterns.
I don't judge you as being too rash or impatient, Geez...we all feel this sometimes. I just sense your own frustration about being received and relating here.
We all are where we are on our journeys. Some at it a long time, some just beginning...some with the lingo, some with just the gut knowing......over and over I am reminded that what is most crucial is to just accept myslef where I am at....and use my feelings coming up as part of my healing journey.
All the best back to you, better late than never...