|By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 25, 2000 - 02:22 am:|
Well today I felt my time to suffer reversal again
coming around the corner. I feel that when I try to
stand up and go for something that feels good, I draw
an equally (more?) powerful force that shows me that I
can't have life on anyones terms except blues terms.
And that means no life at all for a yellow-bellied
piece of s**t like me. When I was alone and suffering
the day in day out drudgery of work sleep work sleep
then I was allowed to have my little house that the
bank owned. My own space to feel how f****d up and
miserable I was/am and just enough energy to get up
and go sell myself to pay for my own cage. I moved in
that space, whatever I could contact to feel which was
I hope "enough". It seemed to be enough because I
found what I was looking for, a lover and friend.
Now I've leaped for love and found her to be
everything I ever wanted in another person, a partner,
a friend, a lover. But the same energy that told me I
couldn't be free is still with me. That very blue
feeling energy is still in my face telling me that I
might have found love in another person but now I have
no space that feels good to my will to move in. The
blue f***ers that have hounded my love are now
threatening to destroy her with guilt to make her
destroy herself with self hate. They tell her the same
things they tell me. "You can't be who you want to be,
you have to live in the space we say with the essences
we say or the guilt we reflect will rip you to
shreds." When I try to move they give me a dose of
guilt and self hate that shuts me down. Only when I'm
alone again can I get a bit of movement. And even that
feels like its running out, getting fainter.
So I want to give them the finger and take my space
and my love and try, try again in a town of my
choosing with the love of MY choice. But theres a
major problem. When I pull on her to go it hurts her
because they have her so tightly bound and twisted.
They've got her so beat up and bound that when she
tries to move it only tightens the noose around her
neck. How can I keep pulling on her? How can I let her
go? Maybe I should let her go, but go where? Where
would I go when she is all I moved for? Can I wait out
a plan of hers to get free? But even she believes that
freedom is an illusion blue uses to trick you into
tightening your own noose. Her will to live is
suffering because there seems to be no way out. Get
free and guilt will hunt us down like prey. Stay and
they already have us. I feel my life/love slipping outof my hands, again.
I believe her plan and mine are basically the same.
To get to some higher ground, some safer ground. A
place where love can grow without constant and daily
proddings from guilt and hopelessness. More love means
more self love. More self love means more will
movement and less guilt... but does she have to chew
off her own arm to get out of the trap? Am I wrong? Am
I just full of selfish denial? My will says we should
get there and work on healing the ripped apart pieces
from a safer location. Feels to me like I've been
ripped apart for a long time, maybe since oc. But
maybe they've never had their hooks in me as deeply as they are in her right now.
I feel like getting to right place, at least as
right as we can guess, is the way to go to begin the
healing work. But its her that has to rip this time
and that doesn't seem fair, absolutely isn't fair. So
I ask myself the question again; why can't I move here
in this place where she is trapped? Is it my denials
that say they can't let go of this need to be away
from the daily blue triggers? I've moved on them when
I've felt safe but she hasn't seen much of it so how
can she trust my needs to be whats best for our mutual
healing? Am I clenched in terror around moving in this
space or am I just selfish and hard to please? My body
says it needs space but is my body just looking out
for itself? Mother/Father please help me to sort this
out before its too late... again
|By Francesca on Tuesday, July 25, 2000 - 03:50 am:|
Hey, you 've shown me s.t. I've always thought that if only I had a lover/partner who was doing the same healing work as I am things would be so much easier for me - maybe not. I don't have much time here but I will offer this; maybe it really isn't safe for her to move off with you yet. I have been trying to free myself from a very bad situation for some years now. I've received a lot of judgements from myself and others about being slow here and that I should just cut lose and take my daughter and go. Recently, I realized that I would have destroyed myself if I'd done that (Iknow it's different for each of us). I work on getting free from my trap just one little bit at a time. Each little step brings up major issues for me and I've learnt so much and done some rreal deep healing this way. Maybe your partner is in a similar place at the moment. What I hate about all this is the terrible pain in it all for everyone. I wish I could give you both comfort in this - words are just so shallow when dealing with such deep level stuff. I did remind s.o. of something that helps me. It was what God said about evolution happening in a split second - I feel all this pain is the preparation beforehand and it could happen anytime, the healing could suddenly flood in, today, tomorrow, six months or six years, I don't know. Maybe it will come in stops and starts. I'm sure if you both want it though, it will come. Truly, I wish I could heal it yesterday for everyone, because it reallyis fucking Hell a lot of the time. Blessings, Francesca
|By Anonymous on Thursday, August 24, 2000 - 11:30 am:|
Of trapped and lost Will.
Take some of this rage back, God and Body. The levels that 'the law' came from. We live at the edge of the Gap but YOU send in men, men, men. Why do they hump my geomantic right leg so much?
Where's the sisterhood of it? It's just lost will underneath, just that; I see you describe it all but nary enable my abilities to move it; your men MAKE the trapped will from feeding on the lost will. At the edge and You two are making/seeking me trapped. You are, without a doubt, killing me.
What a perfect place for this 'rage'.
That's my honey down that leg there and yes, we spasm at the top of it. She's alright, slingshotting Body into space to form the mass marauders' space of page 181, Green, per this Body, me and mine.
Not one of these men endeavored to seek temporary control in the gap/get familiar with each other's presences to begin healing,...all this. It is AWFUL!! They are your fragments and they have changed-what?!
I evolve some habits with your helps, God and Body, and I come here and,...they're only trapped!
Only super-frags do such damage. Six years and an entire spirit-memory of these hell-fragments-STILL HERE!.
I took my time and pored over so many details; so many scenario maps. Can you maybe seperate your frag's from mine? Having NO men after me is even possible. I came here singing the heartsongs and then drifted to this edge: your men are murdering me.
You channeled into my heart and I fell in love with myself. Then a year and a half later, it shattered. The whole time, your men trapped and seethed and dumped on me.
Body came along as his Ourobourus self and I knew it wasn't you two so personally, and then who is it in all humanity? You gave me life and place and I could 're-gene' my understandings of the/my Wills.
Why here-it will always be remote here as in naturally secluded?! Not one word from all these men injected down our throats down a road so in the middle of nowhere, it's a fantasy to use it. My fantasy. Power-over. I know all of who does the hosting of them,...It's my leg, breaking my heart enough to end my life, yea right. Excise the female right side but you can't get the good rage back if this 'line' is marauding.
Come on, please, God and Body? I'm open to understandings in this mean time but I am not meant to endure this type of waiting. Find what you haven't used of me and don't use what you haven't found. I look backward to it:)