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Healing Class - Lesson Two

The Spirit Polarity

Part Two: Divine Codependency

"I realized early on in my evolution that the Mother did not like bad light, so I began a program of improving the quality of my Light so it would be better received, more space would be opened, and there would be more of me in existence. For a very long time I believed that my evolution depended on the quality of my Light, and how much of it could be received.

"I was constantly looking to the Mother to show me her reactions to my Light, so I could 'fix' it in ways that made it feel better to her. You know this tendency as 'codependence.' And you're finding out like I have that this approach doesn't work. It's taken us all a very long time to learn this lesson, and I thought you might like to know how it got started.

"At one point I realized that it was impossible to avoid showing her Light that did not feel good. Before I gave up trying to please her, I ventured very deeply inside myself to see if I could find the source of my undesirable Light. I went all the way to the Void, to the place were I emerge into existence. It was a journey not only within, but upstream. It was a very intense experience. I had to go against the wind, so to speak.

"When I finally arrived at the Void I experienced the terror of its essential nature of not-ness, of non-existence. I also discovered that here I had an option that was not available to me anywhere in existence. Here, at the place just before my beginning, I could permanently establish the quality of my Light.

"I found the way to separate 'good' Light from 'bad' Light. In the Void I found the grand tool of separation, I found the 'dividing line'. And I used it.

"I separated out all the qualities of my Light that I knew were pleasing to the Mother and put them on one side of the line. On the other side, were left all the qualities of Light that the Mother found undesirable. I called the side that was pleasing to the Mother 'Light', and what was left I called 'darkness'.

"Before I left there, I positioned my self on the side of Light and became completely identified with it, leaving no room in my identity for 'darkness.' I returned to existence very pleased with myself for finding the permanent solution to the problem of my 'bad' Light.

"For a long time it worked quite well. The Mother and I had a most excellent relationship, and we created a deep bond of love and partnership. Together we emerged all of Creation. Sure, there were many 'bumps' along the way, and I used those experiences productively to find the 'problems' in my Light and continued the process of separating them from me.

"Just as the Mother and I were preparing to go forth to emerge Creation, an exceptionally bright light appeared to us. It had come from out of nowhere and was suddenly present with us. I had long forgotten my journey to the Void, and the Void itself for that matter.

"I had been focused outward, toward the Mother and our Creation. When I saw this new light I felt the same kind of terror I'd felt when I found the dividing line and separated from myself the qualities of my Light that I felt were not pleasing to the Mother.


"I realized that this new being was the Spirit essence I'd left back in the void, but I couldn't understand how my 'darkness' had become so bright. This light was very bright and quite harsh, it was very difficult to stay present with. Desire of course hated it.

"She was pulling me away from the new light, and I wished to go forth with her and create. So we left him behind, in my place at the Godhead. This new being of light became known to us as Lucifer. At the time I didn't let on to the Mother all that I knew about Lucifer because I was afraid she'd blame me for his presence.

"Many, many eons later I realized the mistake that I made when I first used the dividing line to separate myself from Lucifer. Over time he had become a huge problem, gathering more and more light to himself.

"I had initially reasoned that those qualities of Light I had assigned to him would have very little opportunity for existence. The Mother closed space quickly when these qualities were present, so I thought that she would not permit them in existence. However, after a while it was clear that my 'final solution' had become an eternal problem.

"What I did not become aware of for a very long time, and in fact it wasn't until near the end of the first Land of Pan, was that I had constantly continued to give Lucifer my essence. I did this unconsciously and nonchalantly as a matter of course in almost all of my relating with the Mother.

"What I did not realize about the dividing line is that I had unknowingly used my judgments against the 'bad' light to instruct, or program my deepest self to continue separating Spirit essence into loving 'Light', me, and 'unloving 'darkness', not-me. After a while, there was much more not-me than there was me.

"I still wasn't worried when Lucifer showed up because I was convinced there was no way the Mother would open space for him in existence. I talked myself into believing that it was perfectly fine to let him be wherever I wasn't, because I knew the Mother would always choose to be with me. After all, I had custom designed my Light to suit her.

"Lucifer was clearly the wrong kind of light. I thought of Lucifer as a hopeless loser, my hapless 'other side' doomed to either non-existence or semi-existence as the pariah of Creation.


"This judgment was my first conscious denial. It bothered me a little and I vaguely wondered if this thought would end up as part of Lucifer. 'Ha', I thought, 'It would serve the fool right if it did.' Because I consciously hid Lucifer's origins from the Mother I had now created both deception and denial.

"And of course, I denied it to myself so that I could remain congruent with the Mother. For a long time after I realized what I'd been doing, I thought all of this denied Spirit essence had joined with what was already Lucifer.

"I didn't realize that another denied part of myself had just emerged. My judgments and denials further separated me. A new Spirit being now called Ahriman was present now and from then on he got even more of my essence than Lucifer.

"Because Lucifer and his qualities were now unavailable to me, I didn't know that he would find his own ways of getting the Mother to open space for him, or that he would enlist the help of Ahriman, for that matter.

"It is a long and terrible story that covers eons. Lucifer tortured Desire until she opened space for him and then tortured her more by telling her the truth of how he came into existence, leaving out the detail of my original good intent.

"The consequence of that has been the Mother's hatred of both Lucifer and me. Her deepest and most damaged essence still believes that Ahriman's conscious presence with Lucifer was me."

Next: Lesson Two - Part Three: God's New Quest

Healing Class Discussion

Lesson One - Quest for the Mother | | Lesson Two, Part One - The Void

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