Healing Class - Lesson Two
The Spirit Polarity
Part Two: Divine Codependency
"I realized early on in my evolution
that the Mother did not like bad light, so I began a program
of improving the quality of my Light so it would be better received,
more space would be opened, and there would be more of me in
existence. For a very long time I believed that my evolution
depended on the quality of my Light, and how much of it could
be received.
"I was constantly looking to the Mother
to show me her reactions to my Light, so I could 'fix' it in
ways that made it feel better to her. You know this tendency
as 'codependence.' And you're finding out like I have that this
approach doesn't work. It's taken us all a very long time to
learn this lesson, and I thought you might like to know how it
got started.
"At one point
I realized that it was impossible to avoid showing her Light
that did not feel good. Before I gave up trying to please her,
I ventured very deeply inside myself to see if I could find the
source of my undesirable Light. I went all the way to the Void,
to the place were I emerge into existence. It was a journey not
only within, but upstream. It was a very intense experience.
I had to go against the wind, so to speak.
"When I finally arrived at the Void I
experienced the terror of its essential nature of not-ness, of
non-existence. I also discovered that here I had an option that
was not available to me anywhere in existence. Here, at the place
just before my beginning, I could permanently establish the quality
of my Light.
"I
found the way to separate 'good' Light from 'bad' Light. In the
Void I found the grand tool of separation, I found the 'dividing
line'. And I used it.
"I separated out all the qualities of
my Light that I knew were pleasing to the Mother and put them
on one side of the line. On the other side, were left all the
qualities of Light that the Mother found undesirable. I called
the side that was pleasing to the Mother 'Light', and what was
left I called 'darkness'.
"Before I left there, I positioned my
self on the side of Light and became completely identified with
it, leaving no room in my identity for 'darkness.' I returned
to existence very pleased with myself for finding the permanent
solution to the problem of my 'bad' Light.
"For a long time it worked quite well.
The Mother and I had a most excellent relationship, and we created
a deep bond of love and partnership. Together we emerged all
of Creation. Sure, there were many 'bumps' along the way, and
I used those experiences productively to find the 'problems'
in my Light and continued the process of separating them from
me.
"Just as the Mother and I were preparing
to go forth to emerge Creation, an exceptionally bright light
appeared to us. It had come from out of nowhere and was suddenly
present with us. I had long forgotten my journey to the Void,
and the Void itself for that matter.
"I had been focused outward, toward the
Mother and our Creation. When I saw this new light I felt the
same kind of terror I'd felt when I found the dividing line and
separated from myself the qualities of my Light that I felt were
not pleasing to the Mother.
Lucifer
"I realized that this new being was the
Spirit essence I'd left back in the void, but I couldn't understand
how my 'darkness' had become so bright. This light was very bright
and quite harsh, it was very difficult to stay present with.
Desire of course hated it.
"She was pulling me away from the new
light, and I wished to go forth with her and create. So we left
him behind, in my place at the Godhead. This new being of light
became known to us as Lucifer. At the time I didn't let on to
the Mother all that I knew about Lucifer because I was afraid
she'd blame me for his presence.
"Many, many eons later I realized the
mistake that I made when I first used the dividing line to separate
myself from Lucifer. Over time he had become a huge problem,
gathering more and more light to himself.
"I had initially reasoned that those
qualities of Light I had assigned to him would have very little
opportunity for existence. The Mother closed space quickly when
these qualities were present, so I thought that she would not
permit them in existence. However, after a while it was clear
that my 'final solution' had become an eternal problem.
"What I did not become aware of for a
very long time, and in fact it wasn't until near the end of the
first Land of Pan, was that I had constantly continued to give
Lucifer my essence. I did this unconsciously and nonchalantly
as a matter of course in almost all of my relating with the Mother.
"What I did not realize about the dividing
line is that I had unknowingly used my judgments against the
'bad' light to instruct, or program my deepest self to continue
separating Spirit essence into loving 'Light', me, and 'unloving
'darkness', not-me. After a while, there was much more not-me
than there was me.
"I still wasn't worried when Lucifer
showed up because I was convinced there was no way the Mother
would open space for him in existence. I talked myself into believing
that it was perfectly fine to let him be wherever I wasn't, because
I knew the Mother would always choose to be with me. After all,
I had custom designed my Light to suit her.
"Lucifer was clearly the wrong kind of
light. I thought of Lucifer as a hopeless loser, my hapless 'other
side' doomed to either non-existence or semi-existence as the
pariah of Creation.
Ahriman
"This judgment was my first conscious
denial. It bothered me a little and I vaguely wondered if this
thought would end up as part of Lucifer. 'Ha', I thought, 'It
would serve the fool right if it did.' Because I consciously
hid Lucifer's origins from the Mother I had now created both
deception and denial.
"And of course, I denied it to myself
so that I could remain congruent with the Mother. For a long
time after I realized what I'd been doing, I thought all of this
denied Spirit essence had joined with what was already Lucifer.
"I didn't realize that another denied
part of myself had just emerged. My judgments and denials further
separated me. A new Spirit being now called Ahriman was present
now and from then on he got even more of my essence than Lucifer.
"Because Lucifer and his qualities were
now unavailable to me, I didn't know that he would find his own
ways of getting the Mother to open space for him, or that he
would enlist the help of Ahriman, for that matter.
"It is a long and terrible story that
covers eons. Lucifer tortured Desire until she opened space for
him and then tortured her more by telling her the truth of how
he came into existence, leaving out the detail of my original
good intent.
"The consequence of that has been the
Mother's hatred of both Lucifer and me. Her deepest and most
damaged essence still believes that Ahriman's conscious presence
with Lucifer was me."
Next: Lesson
Two - Part Three: God's New Quest
Healing
Class Discussion
Lesson One - Quest for the Mother
| | Lesson Two,
Part One - The Void
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