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Beloved God, you've expressed a desire to understand Will better and to understand how Will essence escapes into the Void. I feel that I am of the Mother essence and I have been struggling to hold myself together and not lose myself to non-existence. Maybe my insight can be of help to You and others.
I feel I am deeply connected to Life and have drunk thirstily of the deliciousness of the Source. Particularly when there is something at stake, I am often greatly empowered from within and have many times found a way to express the spiritual point of view regardless of the level of consciousness of the audience or the people involved.
This impulse becomes so strong that I feel I must act on it. When I do that I feel aglow and immensely fulfilled, and I know that being a loving and outspoken mouthpiece for Spirit is what my existence is all about.
The difficulty resulting from this is that I have often not been received. In situations where I spoke to an audience, or many people, the measurable response did not matter whatsoever, but among friends and family and with my husband, their non-receptivity of what I put forth has by far outweighed the times when I felt received.
I could say also that being received seems to be inversely proportionate to the wisdom of my offering: generally, the more trivial the offering, the greater the receptivity and vice versa.
I so long to live from the highest within me and be received... and because this has been so lacking I end up withholding this higher impulse. I end up holding it in the body and I feel that the physical problems involving my abdomen are related to holding back this energy that wants to flow through me.
Because I've made myself sick with this and have suffered with it for about 8 years now, at times I hate myself for it. My lowered self-esteem and imperfect bodily condition have made it difficult for me to seek meaningful opportunities to express the Loving Light of Spirit publicly and in my continued interaction with my husband and most of the people in my life I feel I am not received.
I realize now how angry I am at them, for I have always received them and held the space for them to express and move toward healing and yet I feel they have for the most part not been willing or able to do that for me.
I am beginning to feel that because I am not received when I vibrate from my essence, I may be destroying my body by withholding the energy, and maybe losing my essence to the Void. If there are no takers for what I offer, for how long can I continue to hold myself within without losing the will to be. If there is no space for me to vibrate in, and evolve in, how can I keep myself in existence? This is very hard for me for I so long to be who I am and be received as such, and grow...
Could it be that because there has been little or no receptivity for the Will polarity by the Spirit, or in this world, Will has not been able to keep herself vibrating (expressing) as much as she needed, and through this lack of vibration would She not tend to dissipate and become lost to non-existence?
"This is Spirit. Yes, there is much of the Will that has become lost or separated from the main body of the Mother, and some has even stopped vibrating. Both of your ideas about this are true. And you have raised a most important issue, that of being received or not. Love is experienced in acceptance and inclusion, in being received. And this is the agenda of Loving Light and Free Will.
"Denial is experienced in rejection, exclusion, or not being received. And this is the agenda of denied spirit. Some denied or 'lost' spirit has coerced some of the lost Will to do its bidding of denial and exclusion, however this is not the agenda of Will or the Mother. The Mother's core desire is wholeness. And wholeness can only be achieved through opening, acceptance and inclusion.
"The problem of course is that the Will, the Mother has been made to open to denied spirit. This lost light has been the source of her pain, and the separation of parts of her from the rest of her. These gaps in the Will have been caused by light that forced its way into her, and then denied her when she did not accept the demands of that light. These parts of her have had to choose between being coerced to open and hold space for light that hates her, or not vibrating at all. It's no wonder that in some of the deepest wounds in the Will there is still immense hatred for Spirit or Light of any kind.
"The solution is for the most parental and loving part of Spirit to awaken fully, own its denials and reclaim its own lost essence first - and then to move with the Will as she releases the lost light in the presence of Spirit's acceptance of her, as she has been and as she is now.
"The experiences you are having on the outside are reflections of the state of affairs going on within you. As your human Spirit finds its own denials and becomes parental to them, your human Will finds herself trusting your spirit and its reflections in the outer world enough to begin moving, first alone in the safety of your own acceptance, and then in the safety of the outer reflections of that acceptance.
I would be most grateful to receive Your viewpoint on this, along with any guidance and help.
"My advice is to take your time and go easy, be sure that you yourself trust both your Spirit and Will essences to find each other in Heart. Body can help guide you here by showing you how to release her imprints. Structure often helps in this work, and it's good to go through the four steps to wholeness as a routine.
"Use the four steps to help you move the emotions that are being held in your lower chakras, with initial attention to judgment release. Move on your own at first, alone. Then test the results of your movement on your husband and the others who matter to you. But please find the certainty of your own acceptance before looking for it in others."
Otherwise, I wish to say that I adore You and Your handiwork and whenever I am not suffering too much and not too down on myself I am, as my friend once put it... God-intoxicated...
"Well, thank you. Now is the time to temper God-intoxication with God-sobriety, and balance between the poles of down and up. The healing work is coming to deeper and much more serious levels than has been seen before on Earth. Balance and presence in Body are the keys to healing in the deep.
"Also, please take care to preserve the good Light you have in abundance, by not giving it away where it cannot be received. And take care to open with loving caution the deeper layers of your Will that you are now gaining access to."
What I desire the most is to help heal All into wholeness. My infinite Love to the Infinite Faces of You.
"You can sense the return of love, although it may not be as you imagined it. And you are expressing a core, parental part of the Mother as I know her. If there are times when no love or Light can be felt or seen, you know that it is only temporary. The healing into wholeness you desire is happening even in the darkness that still remains. And thank you for sharing your experiences and insights."