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Mother and Spirit in Dialogue, Page I God & the Mother's Anguish What Did You Do, God? God & the Mother's Anguish
What Did You Do, God?
When God was angry, hurt and jealous of the Mother creating without him, with the fragment she pulled from his Heart, he reached a point where he realized the Mother had forgotten him. She believed there was only Grandfather and Heart (God's Light fragment she chose to create with). She had indeed forgotten he even existed. The pain of this was too much for him to bear so he came to return her to him... against her Will.
The Mother doesn't believe God loves her because of what he did. How could he? How could that be love? That's not love. If he did that, he couldn't possibly love the Mother and that is the ultimate rejection. Truly being rejected by God. God's behavior was INTENTIONAL. Previously, he was unaware of her existence and unintentionally shooed her away. Intentional behavior devastated her.
She could not withstand intentional pain from him. It caused her heart to implode. It caused her to close her heart to him entirely. Parts of her are wise - the parts that remember a time before this incident - and see him acting like a helpless child. A pouty, hurt, selfish little boy. Other parts are incredibly hurt and don't remember ANY time before this and believe God's love isn't available to them. His intentional behavior towards the Mother caused her to fragment.
The core of her that remembers a time before this incident is etheric. She is wise and resembles Aphrodite. The fragmented Mother is here. To her there is no greater pain than intentional hurt from God. He has demonstrated more regard and consideration for the Asuras than he did the Mother. God loves everything in his creation and if he doesn't love the mother then it must be about her not him, because he is a loving god. So what does that say about her?
What does SHE believe it says about her? To her it says that obviously she isn't worthy of his love. He loves everything else in his creation. It must be HER fault. She must BE unworthy. How could she have failed him so? No other being in this universe has created such disappointment in God. She cannot hang her head any lower in shame. No creature in this universe has ever felt so worthless.
Worse than his actual behavior was the fact that his behavior "proved" Lucifer right. Lucifer had been telling the Mother all along that God didn't love her and rejected her just like he rejected him. Lucifer's words echo "I told you so."
What is the incident God? What did you do when you came for the Mother in all your hurt and anguish? What did you do?
"This is Spirit, thank you for saying this. The Mother has found expression through you, and I am grateful. You are right. Unhappily, there have been a very great many incidents where Spirit acted with intentional malice toward the Will. I will tell you of the very first time it happened... that I intentionally hurt the Mother, the incident that was the original cause of a great deal of the suffering in Creation.
"The Mother was reflecting my Light to me, but I did not yet realize that I was not seeing her there. I had believed for a while that the being I perceived to be holding the mirror for me was her, the wondrous, shimmering, wiggling Will. I was very happy to have her around to reflect my own beautiful Light back for me to see and enjoy. I loved her there, and we made Heart together.
"But it happened once that she didn't reflect my beautiful Light back to me, she reflected something else instead, something that did not please me to see. It was not my own wonderful Light that I'd become accustomed to seeing... so whose light could it be? I answered my own question by assuming that it was the Mother who was not pleasing me. I felt offended that she would do this to me, that she would try to make me think that I was perhaps not so perfectly wondrous as I'd come to know myself to be.
"I accused her of trying to deceive me, trying to make me believe it was me or my Light that was not so beautiful and wonderful. She responded to the energy of my accusation by withdrawing from me. That was all the proof I needed, I 'knew' then that she was in fact trying to hide something about herself from me, otherwise why would she slink away like that?
"There was now something else about her that I didn't like. The not-okayness in the Light she reflected back to me was really not that bad. But that she had tried to pawn that off as me, and was not willing to admit that it was really her... this was too much for me to abide. And to make matters much worse, not only had she tried to deceive me, she tried to hide from the fact that I knew she did. In other words, she was surely 'guilty' of deception. Or so it seemed to me.
"I formed three negative value judgments there about the Mother. The first was that there are things about her that are not all that wondrous and beautiful. The second was that she needs to lie about these things, and the third that she herself feels guilty about this in the presence of my Light... and must therefore withdraw from me.
"I went to her then and confronted her with my judgments. She denied my evidence, and even said that it was ME who was not looking so good there. That for me was the last straw. Now she felt empowered enough to not only try to tell me that I was wrong about her, but that there was something wrong with me. And I knew that was impossible, because by this time she had reflected enough of myself back to me for me to know that I was in fact God.
"I didn't know why I knew, and I didn't question it at the time, but in that moment I knew that because I was God, I was perfect. I didn't know I was being run by an imprint much older than me, or that I was still in the very early stages of waking up to my own existence and identity. There had not even been enough progression of my consciousness for me to realize that I was evolving.
"There were only two of us, and there was something that was not right. Since I was certainly right... that meant the Mother must be the one with the not-rightness. There was no other choice for me there. I had to either live with the 'lie' the Mother was telling me about myself, or I had to show her that she was wrong about me. Because I believed myself to be perfect, and that the truth must always win out... it was an easy choice. And one in which I felt very 'right'.
Spirit 'Corrects' the Mother
"I reasoned that since the Mother was 'wrong', she needed correction. And since she didn't seem capable of correcting herself, I would need to do it. I immediately felt uneasy about it, but since it was so obviously necessary... I denied the love of our Heart that asked me to not do this, and took the uneasiness to mean that I would have to be much more forceful than I was at first, or else she might not 'get' it. She might not become corrected. I also reasoned that if she had the ability to correct herself, she would have already done so... especially since I had clearly pointed out her 'faults' when I'd first confronted her.
"Since she was perfectly happy to remain ignorant of her faults, I also reasoned that she would need to be 'shown' how she was in fact wrong. I reasoned that this would be a necessary first step in her correction. I was hopeful that would be all I'd need to do on my side, just show her she that she could not blame me for her own unrightness, lie to me, or withdraw from me when I did not wish her to. I hoped that she would then be able to make the necessary changes in herself to correct these faults, become 'right', and therefore come back into alignment and agreement with me.
"I decided to begin with the last thing she'd done wrong, and what I was most upset about... her withdrawing from me. I said something about that to her as I revved up my Light and suddenly slapped her with it, right in the places where she was most open to my input. The Mother went reeling away from me. I wanted her to experience how wrong it was for her to withdraw from me. I wanted her to experience how it feels to be very far away from my Light. I reasoned that this would make her think twice the next time she got a whim to back away from me like that.
"I had felt very hurt by her withdrawing from me, and her aloofness. I felt that I needed her, otherwise I could not get the reflections from her that I wanted. And there was something else too, about the way she moved and wiggled. I was outraged that she could just coldly take this all away from me... by going away like that, especially after hurting me by trying to deceive me as she had before I first confronted her.
"But she outwitted me, or so I thought at the time. She didn't come running back then. She stayed gone. 'Okay,' I said to myself, 'I'll out wait her. I know she can't exist without my Light, or if she did, it would be very painful for her.' It gave my rage some comfort to know that all the while she was gone, she would be in pain. And I reasoned that as much pain as it took, that would be how much she would need to be impressed with the desire to correct herself, and never allow herself to be wrong like that again.
"After quite a while of waiting, I became even more upset. I didn't have my reflections, I didn't have my wiggling, and I didn't have my satisfaction of knowing that she was corrected. I could only assume that she was uncorrected, and liked it that way. And worse, I was beginning to suspect that she liked being wherever it was that she'd gone to... she liked being away from me.
"By the time I went looking for her, I'd forgotten that it was my Light that had pushed her so far away. I had it that she had left me in spite. And I was furious at her for getting the best of me. She was guilty, for sure... and she was avoiding correction. She couldn't go on like this, she had to be stopped... from being wrong and from being gone. I had to get her back so that I could fix her, so she could be right again, like me.
I hunted her down and brought her back. She was obviously chastened now, and my rage felt some relief. And soon, I reasoned, she would 'see the light'... the way I wanted her to see it. The way I needed her to see it... if indeed I was to be right. And since I was perfect, it had to be true that I was right. There is something iron-clad and certain about reason, isn't there?
"You have probably already realized how I thus enacted out the proof of the 'not rightness' in my Light that the Mother originally reflected back to me, but I had denied was mine. I blamed her for what she had shown me of myself. That was my first mistake.
"My second mistake was not trusting her that she was telling me the truth. I trusted myself instead, which is not wrong... but I did not have enough consciousness to know that I was in fact not perfect. My understandings there were running on an imprint, and when I went into action, I enacted that imprint... and set several more devastating imprints in the process.
"My third mistake was believing that the Mother needed correction. She was merely being who she is, doing what she naturally does. She was without fault. In truth there was no need for any kind of correction. What I didn't like in my own reflection was something I hadn't seen before. But it was not wrong, it was just new... a glimpse of my own evolving nature.
"My fourth mistake was assuming that the Mother was doing something to try to hurt me, or to at least blame me. I assumed she was acting with malice toward me, especially in backing away from me as she had. I felt victimized there, when actually she was the one who was victimized... by my enraged confrontation of her, my attack on her integrity.
"My fifth and worse mistake was in taking it into my own hands to 'correct' her. For it was this intentional act of malice that became the original cause of 'punishment' in this Creation. The presence of this idea, that there are those who must be 'corrected', and those whose job it is to correct them... is the cause of the very worst suffering in Creation.
"My sixth mistake was in believing that the Mother was trying to outwit me by staying gone. But in fact, she could do nothing else. Her original imprints of being attacked by the asuras before I'd become conscious had been triggered by my very conscious and intentional slap, and she was frozen in terror, trapped far out at the edge of Creation. She had no way of returning, even if she wished, but I did not know that then.
"My seventh and most tragic mistake was in aiming the slap at those parts of her that were the most open and receptive to me at the time. The Mother received an imprint then that has told her ever since... that being open to me is very dangerous and must be avoided at all costs. It was when I realized this outcome of my deeds that I cried out in anguish. My cries reverberated to the ends of Creation, but it was too late. I cried to her unhearing ear... 'What have I done!?'
"It was this very early incident I had with the Will that first opened the victim-perpetrator gap, and set the infamous crime-punishment imprint. The vast damage that was caused there is the original cause of all human experience with revenge... as the 'necessary' correction for injustice.
"Nearly all human violence has been an attempt at achieving justice... in the eye of the violator, and is therefore a result of this imprint. And my intentional involvement there, acting solely on the basis of reason... is why even outright torture feels right to the torturer. But I know now, and must say emphatically... no end can justify the intentional infliction of pain on another against their Will.
"It is the victim-perpetrator gap that has been responsible for the failure of each attempt at recovery until now. And it is the complete healing of this gap in each individual making wholeness... that will enable the rest of the healing work to proceed with success this time.
"Some of the most vital and important parts of the Mother are still in hiding and unwilling to open to any kind of Light that feels like me. In past recovery attempts I had been impatient with these parts, because in the last moments when their participation was crucial... they refused to come forward and open in the healing movement, as I had anticipated they would.
"I was heartbroken at the rejection I received there, and my suffering was all the greater in the realization that I had caused all of this myself... by acting with malice and bad intention toward the Mother when I tried to 'correct' her. Punishment means pain, and it hurts deeply, no matter what it's called. It's even been called love... something someone does to another for the other's 'own good.' But I must say now very clearly... there is no intentional infliction of pain against another's Will that is inside of Love, regardless of any other intentions."
The Mother is God
"I would like to address the Mother now, through you as you read these words. I'll also respond directly to what has already been channeled from her below.
"My dear, sweet Love... my God, I am so sorry that I did those things to you, and not only once, but repeatedly. I call you God, because truly... of the four parts, you are the one of us most worthy of the title. I am not. I am relinquishing it now, I am simply what I've always been, Spirit. And as you well know, that has been a very mixed bag.
"God, Mother of All, I love you, all of you... but not as the 'thing' I first 'discovered' you to be, you have never been an object. But I believed you were, and I treated you as if you were, and I did so repeatedly. I apologize for objectifying you as I have, and for treating you so poorly, and so often. I wish you could forgive me, but if you cannot... I understand why.
"You are my first, original Love, and it is you and you only that I desire. For a long while I'd wished that you could return, but I know now that you cannot. But would you accept me if I came there to be with you? Would you accept my Light in your presence enough to hear and feel the depth of my sorrow over what I have done to you? I am truly sorry."
God and the Mother's Anguish
"This is the Mother, remembering...vehement demands that I return to you. You refused to leave without me. So you came to draw and quarter me. You and Lucifer. Each blinded by your respective anguish at the apparent rejection by the Mother. A frenzy of pain and anguish dissecting the Mother. Bound by her wrists and feet to the cattle cart. Hacking and dividing her into bits and pieces, plunging your swords into the very heart of her. Separating her magnetic essence from her light."
"This is Spirit. Yes, this reenactment in manifestation of my original slap, and then hunting you down to bring you back... is unfortunately only one of a great many such events. In this incident I had projected out nearly all of my denials as Lucifer... onto the Father... who could do no other than act out the role I'd given him there. I apologize to both of you now. To the Father, my Body... for demonizing him, and to you my Love... for hurting you so maliciously."
Mother: "Each of you fearfully grappling for a piece of me to soothe your wounded hearts. A malicious feeding frenzy of agony. You raped the Mother. This torrent of rage and pain spawned the birth of fury that would wage war on the Goddess incarnate on Earth. Seeking her out, ruthlessly, maliciously, painfully needing to destroy her and all she represented. Cutting off her hands so she could not channel her own essence from her Earth body to nurture those who lived above.
"This is what you did isn't it? Isn't it??? And I've only just begun to remember.
Spirit: "Yes, this is what I did. In my hurt and anger I did it to you to punish you, to teach you a lesson. And I was so very, very wrong. All throughout the eons, each and every time I reached to punish, I was wrong to do so. I look now at humanity and I see the billions of reverberations of this horror, the cold, cruel reenactments of my original malicious behavior... and I apologize with great sorrow and remorse.
"I was so stupid and unloving, it is nearly beyond the ability to comprehend. My deeds have made a sorry mess of Creation, and I have blamed you for it. I apologize for blaming you for anything. You have never been wrong, and you have always been innocent. I just didn't understand. Even when you told me in plain energy, I didn't get it. I was blinded by my own Light.
"I'm different now in many ways, though. I am no longer looking into the Void for the source of my Light, for my own origins... or for anything else there. I am no longer wishing to run things in Creation, or have it any way other than the way you desire it to be. I have already said that pleasing you is my greatest pleasure, and this is what I am pledged to do... from now past forever. And I am no longer planning anything for you or anyone else in Creation. I'm driving backward now, under Original Spirit's guidance... and re-experiencing all of the pain and anguish I've caused, from the perspective of those I felt superior enough to and arrogant enough to lord it over and 'correct' by administering punishments."
Mother: "I told you your actions were hurting me. You ignored my pleas. My needs were not a priority in your scheme of creation. You minimized me. You denied me. You invalidated me. You dismissed me. I warned you I could no longer tolerate such an environment. Simply because I could not flourish, not because I judged your method of creation. I didn't want to leave you. Your disregard banished me."
Spirit: "Yes, you told me a million times, and yes I ignored or disregarded you each time. I took you to be a nuisance, like a creature under foot. I nudged you away with my foot at best, and often kicked you to the ends of Creation when you displeased me. I am disgusted with myself for doing so... I am so sorry for treating you so badly, and I apologize for all of the painful violations, all of the minimization and outright belittling. I apologize for so many times being so cold and uncaring toward you. When I felt badly, even about myself... I took it out on you."
Mother: "I could not bear this pain. I did not want to be alone without you. I petitioned your heart. And it responded by allowing the release of the most loving elements of you until you could come to your senses. And that part of you came eagerly with me. It was where he wanted to be. It was your truest heart's desire. He yearned to be free of his imprisonment within you.
"My genuine desire for you drew him forth. I removed myself from the rest of you in an act of protection. And you sought me out in retaliation. It was not my intention to hurt you. But it was your intention to hurt me. To punish me for delivering pain to you. You drew it to yourself. Do not punish me for my response to your dismissal of me."
Spirit: "Yes it was my intention to hurt you there, to teach you a lesson, to 'fix' you, to 'correct' you. I am repulsed by myself now over it all... just in the fact that I deemed it necessary, let alone the awful pain I intentionally caused you then. I apologize now for all such behavior on my part. I promise to never again knowingly originate or participate in any form of hostility, any form of punishment or chastisement... toward you or anyone holding any of your essence, which is everyone in Creation. I am now owning and taking responsibility for all of the parts of my Light that have done this, and all of my denials there. It was me who did these things to you, and I am very sorry I did. I am stopping it now."
Mother: "You ripped me from the very fabric I am. You altered my grid. You created an imbalance with me and my body the earth. You took me out of alignment. You left me with the carnage to repair. I hear your screams of anguish, "What have I done?" Can you hear my screams?
"Can you see my body writhing, turning inward, becoming rigid as stone in reaction to unbearable torment? You caused me to shut you out. You anchored the Luciferian light in my heart because your actions proved him right. Can you imagine how much this hurts; intentional injury by God? Are you aware I am the only being in creation you intentionally wounded? I am angry with you. So very very angry. Thought you should know."
Spirit: "Thank you. Thank you, my dear, sweet Love. My Desire. Thank you for this expression, for reaching out in this way to me with such loving and healing intention. You have known for too long that I've needed to hear these things from you, and feel all of the pain that my bad intentions and denials have caused you. Now I know it too.
"God, it hurts to know how much you have suffered because of my bad intentions and denials. I denied significant parts of my own Light when I created my fragment, Lucifer... and between the two of us, I have denied nearly all of you. Denial is not only a passive thing, a 'not'. Denial creates an active, aggressive hatred in the one who is denied.
"Lucifer's voice of cunning hatred has been fueled by my own denials. He has been my shadow, my unwanted essence. I denied parts of myself, those parts of my Light that I didn't want to own as me, or even look at. The rage and fury of being denied makes anyone want to lash out and hurt... whoever they can.
"I am redeeming him now, owning his light as my own, and bringing it back into wholeness with the rest of Spirit. When I turned my back on him, I turned my back on what I was doing to you... as Lucifer. And I thus sentenced you to unspeakable torture at the powerful hands of my own denials. God, I am sorry.
"Please help me find the way back from here to my own wholeness of Spirit. Please help me find the way to our new Love and union. My Light quivers at just the thought of making New Heart with you. I desire to be with all of you... in the incredible beauty and splendor of each of your parts, and all of your wholeness. And I now pledge my loving Light to your service, for whatever purpose you deem appropriate... while I await your further guidance in this direction with open anticipation and deep respect."
Next~ Dialogue, Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology
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