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I'm confused, I just don't understand.

(Dear God & Channelers - I sent this to the Mother area of the site because it's the place that's felt best to me, but now I'm scared because I've never felt worthy of the Mother, so I must be Spirit polarized... I tell myself in shame. I don't want to hurt anyone by presuming the Mother's safe place, so if it seems like it's not appropriate for the Mother side, I hope you can find a fitting place for it. Thank you.)

I'm so confused. I just don't understand - it seems like my whole life I have seen things but been utterly unable to make sense out of them. It's real discouraging to have worked so hard and still feel clueless and unable. I feel as though I have some huge judgments that I just am not able to get through. I can't fully trust you, I don't seem to be able to do things other than 'my own way' (I constantly want to reinvent the wheel) as I stubbornly insist that I am capable.

I don't know how to go out in the world. I want so much to do something that feels good, and yet I'm terrified that being the Mother means being a victim: some skilless sot who just stumbles, filthy and hated through hell. I never seem to be able to hate myself enough to get over it, or to make friends. I go outside and the world just feels awful to me. The plants are ill, the water is crying, the water animals and plants are gone. It's just a sewer. Writhing with people who are laughing all the way to the bank. They seem thrilled that the end is near and they can finally rest in their hideous hateful sleep.

"This is the Mother. You have stated the two main judgments which hold me from you and most humans. I have some secret safe place which no one else is allowed to enter, and conversely, I am wandering the streets of Hell, and all who follow me will come here, too. The truth is I was gone. I have been gone for a long lonely time. I am sorry dear child. I am sorry.

"I have been moving toward Spirit, and Spirit has been moving toward me, and I can only share with you the deep grief I feel for our separation, and for the immature parents we were, and in our trying to raise ourselves and our children with so much power and yet so little understanding of what was happening through us. Your heart was part of our explosion. Your love was blamed for attaching the two of us, when each of us judged against the other. I am sorry for the overwhelming pain this has caused in you, and in so many many others."

I do need you God. And thank you so much. I've been working so hard for so many years. Trying to help and feeling at every turn as though what I do is precisely backwards. It's like I work SO hard to do left, then I feel as though the RUOW books say to me "no, go right". I slave and walk through death to go right, only to then feel as though I get the message, "OK, left was the correct direction, you just had to go right so you'd line up with it more and understand in an emotional way that has love in it why left is right."

That's it isn't it? Somehow I 'understand' or hear things but haven't grasped that I need to feel them to really know? I notice that I have a real judgment in terms of trying to live my life in a therapeutic manner - not trusting that if I follow my desire I'll get anywhere. Because I so often (this would be 99.9%) don't get anywhere. Following my desire leaves me hating myself intensely and unable to leave the house. I just don't know how to be.

"Following desire is vital to free will, and right to do when you are loving yourself and your desire. Look at your judgments around what Desire really is. . . many have judged that their "true desires" are a problem before they actually feel into True Desire. They also have judged what the consequences of that desire may be. Acting upon desire without moving the static images, the guilt, the shame, the blame, before loving the energy of the desire in your body can bring the reinforcement of judgments and a reversal of the desire instead of the freedom desire seeks. Releasing judgments and loving yourself and the energy of your desires is the path to true desire."

I feel so much as if there's no place for me in this world. (Which means that there's no place for me in my heart? I do the Running Energy exercise and find no acceptance from God in my middle chakras.) But this must in part be because I made the judgment that 'problem stuff is will' and the other good feelings and inspirations are just spirit - or feeling good.'

"We all have. God, Myself and everyone has judged that Heart will lead us to at the least pain, at the worst unending hell not alleviated even by death. My judgments against Heart were just as great and just as wounding as God's. I have tried desperately to hide from this. To be clear. I judged against you, your father judged against you because you held us to each other when we sought escape and relief from each other. But, as we are learning, this is who you are.

"This is not the choice of what you do. . . it is who you are. And you have been torn into pieces by our ignorance and drive to escape. Heart cannot reconfigure separate from either Spirit or Will. Yes, my little one, you are confused. I love you in your confusion. I know your confusion is not your fault. I, and We, are working to heal our Heart, and We are asking for your help to find the smallest pieces of yourself so that wholeness is complete. And yes, moving this judgment against me is also very important."

Thank you for telling me to look backwards. I'm so scared God. I feel so panicked about life and money and dying and being gay. I hate that being gay part. I feel so afraid to have you tell me I'm wrong here. I want to say, I'm not, but I'm terrified. Being gay feels magnetically like the only way I can be/love, but I can't believe I'm not wrong for being magnetically this way. I can't convince myself that this isn't borrowed time until I correct the problem or evolve out of it, and it's torture. How can I be something that has no picture, past, future, and seemingly no purpose? Except love. Whenever I go off this way, I always come back to, except love; that's all it's got. This is the best way for me to love myself, but how can I do something that seems so wrong to you? It would help so much if I could get your blessing/help here. I guess you'll tell me I need to feel the difficult feelings more, but the Mother's always had such a fear of pleasing herself and you've always hated her sexual desire so ferociously here, that I laugh at myself for picking this place for which to bring love (when I of course have these feelings and more). I feel like I just can't stand any more pain here, but I don't know where to find acceptance. I want so much to make pretty things in a world of peace that feels open and good.

"Child of Heart, you do not pick to bring love here. . . you are the love that is here. When Spirit and I were separated, places that were between us which had been created in love (we did not know they had been created in our coming together) were ripped apart. Your right place will never change. . . but the experience of your right place will change completely when all of the gap between God and myself is brought back into loving alignment. . . or rather, is brought forward into new loving alignment. I know it hurts to wait. I know this very very well. Undeny your Spirit, reclaim your lost Will, and protect Hope, Love, and Heartfulness. We are here. I am here. . . with words even, and Spirit light to speak with. . . isn't this amazing??"

Thanks for listening God. I love you.

PS I'm glad too to be hiding from you less; it feels real good to be getting better at feeling bloody and beaten and like I was wrong, but OK enough to look at you anyway. I really appreciate that when I've shared really awful things with you that both you and the Mother have been so grateful. It's meant the world to me and given me a lot of courage to keep trying to find a world of love with you two.

"I, too, have found the courage to admit My wrongness, and to renew my hope. God, too has been admitting wrongness. There is a place of rightness in Grandfather's Grace and I have been amazed to find it even in Myself."

I miss my Mother so much. I have a lot of denied feelings here because I'm afraid to say how mad I am at her for hurting me by hating me for being like her and hating me for being like you. I want to say it's been hard to hate her/blame her as I have you because with her I always felt that it hurt her to hate me - she never seemed to line up with it as much as to be unable not to do it. With you, I always felt as though it pleased you, amused you, empowered you, even gave you meaning to hate me. Like making sure I knew what an ungrateful, too big for my britches little deceitful, power-mongering shit I was, was important for Universe to be in place.

But I also think I really hate the Mother more than I let myself know because of the pain of my loving her so much and needing her so much and missing her so terribly, and the horror of watching her suffer, and being twisted and torn along with it so that all I did was to make things worse. It's like I wake up to find myself stabbing her.

Mother, I'm sorry, and I'll keep trying to be honest about these things because if I can say so, "I want my Mommy." I want my Mommy so much. I feel like I have to justify this by saying I want other things as well - but I have no memory of bliss/support from a Mother and I'd like that.

"I want you, too. I wish to walk forward into your life, and move within Body, and hold You in My arms, and sway You between My breasts, and brush the sweat soaked hair from your cheek, and sing the soothing whispers that would heal this heartbreak. I wish I could send that love of eons that has been denied from you into every precious cell of your Body, every wrinkled fear of your Will, every seized up grasp of your Spirit. Please keep running energy with Us. When the pain is the greatest pull Us into you with even more openness. I am sorry I believed that you had made it worse. I know that it is not true. Heart is My connection with My True Love. Lost Heart is My greatest grief. Thank you for your struggle, for your pain, for your enduring love, even for your rightful anger. We were so very very wrong about you. Please forgive yourself for being you...and Please forgive Me for My ignorance.

". . .There is more here. Your rage aches to tell Me that I did not protect you. How can I explain to you that I froze, I fragmented, parts of Me died trying to protect you. . . parts of Me ran if they could escape, parts of Me sat and watched the pain you endured with the resignation of heartlessness? How can I explain the depth of My own confusion there? I can tell you that I am reclaiming fragments of Myself which express all of it, and I am seeking to heal them all into loving alignment. As you move your feelings. . . both 'good and bad' about your mother, you serve as a beacon for God and Myself to find each little piece. ALL of your feelings can have loving outcome if you welcome Our presence in this movement. You are here showing us that this is your intent. Thank you.

"I need all of your help so very much. . . and I am so grateful for each movement of Will into Loving Light. I wish it could be less painful. . . in time I hope evolution comes free of pain."

The Mother of Manifestation

Thank you God and Channelers for the Mother side of the site. I've always thought of myself as spirit polarized and as not even having a Will - beyond this hard, hating, recalcitrant piece of trouble I carried around and was sent here to teach and improve. Now I really thank you because the Will's side feels easier to understand.


Channelers' note: At the time we began to work on this post the contributor was helping us with some technical issues about navigation on the site. We mentioned the temporary location of her post while we were reviewing it and preparing to channel a response. The contributor thought that we were going to post it publicly without any response. In the past we had posted contributions without channeled responses, and we realized that practice had been hurtful to some contributors, so of course we stopped it. The following post was sent by the contributor in response to not seeing a channeled response to the first post.


God, I need to let you know that seeing my submission posted without response has been a wrenching reenactment of my birth: I manifest my troubled self, get no response of love from you or the Mother, and then you parade me as an example to others of 'lack of love.' Once again, I'm nothing but trouble; something you'd rather sweep away or study discompassionately than embrace.

"This is Spirit. You are deeply loved, and that love is here and real regardless of what you've believed about yourself and your loveability. I am very sorry that this imprint has been within you, and for my part of it in Original Cause. However, I am not sorry that it got triggered because there is now a chance for its healing. I must take full responsibility for my part in your hurting, both originally and in this trigger, and I apologize to you now."

I guess it wasn't clear enough, but I really was asking for help. I'm not able to hear/feel you love me regarding my fears/inabilities to get a job and have friends, my inability to understand how I can be so confused when I've struggled for so long, my deep fears of being worthless to you except as something to examine so the 'horror' of me doesn't happen again, my confusions about the Sacrifice page, and my inability to find any real acceptance within you for homosexuality. (I fear that you judge it to be the ultimate denial of love in your light, and that anything you say will only increase the slaughter by churches, governments and anyone with too much God-pain.)

"On the inside I have said some things to you that not all of your parts have believed, including that it was me saying those things. I'll take this opportunity to say them again now on the outside. I have moved and evolved since that imprint experience long ago, and you can count on it that when you have released the judgments against yourself that you still hold, you'll feel the truth. And you'll know that my ancient judgments are no longer there either. Please try again to find me as I am now. The truth is that I love and accept you just as you are.

"Yes, there has been much harshness and hatred toward human sexuality that has been seen to deviate from what churches and other sources of spiritual teachings have deemed to be my position on this issue. In fact, sexuality itself has been demeaned and denied because some humans have thought I did not approve of it or like it. The denial of sexuality and sexual freedom has been one of the most serious and tragic denials of humanity.

"I wish to say more about this. Your homosexuality is your sexuality. Sexuality is good, and your expression of it in ways that feel good and right to you is good too. Healing is helped the most when you are doing what feels right and good to do. Healing is hindered when you are avoiding doing what you want to do because you believe others, including me, may disapprove.

"There is currently tremendous injustice on Earth, and it is being unnecessarily perpetuated because humans continue to judge against themselves and each other. I wish you would all cut it out. You are innocent, as so are all the others, even those who judge against you. I'm becoming more present here on Earth, and one of my priories is to help you release the judgments that have held you and your Will captive. This mention of sexuality is just the tip of the iceberg, there will be a more full discussion of the issues of sexuality and gender in Lesson Four of the healing class when we discuss Body."

I also wrote to thank you and the Mother for the times and ways in which I have felt comforted; because I wanted to help others who feel like me, and because I wanted to tell the Mother how much I miss her and that I hope the really awful seeming things I have to feel regarding her help rather than hurt.

Finally, I wrote because I'm trying to do things differently this time: I'm not withholding my experience from you, and I'm not dismissing you and the Mother as evil. I realize too that I'm asking for your and the Mother's help and permission to extract part of myself from the gap. I've always been eaten alive in hell, and I don't know where to begin to live in another way.

"The old pattern of torture and pain in the Gap is familiar and compelling. You don't have just our permission to bring yourself out of the gap, you have our strong encouragement and support. And you have our help, as much of it as you can use. Please ask, this breaking of old patterns is difficult work, and the more resources the better.

And God, I know I've hurt you too by being away for so long. I'd like to let you know that I'm sorry for the pain and hardship I've caused you and the Mother by not being able to love myself better. I have a hard time finding my way in this much pain.

"You are forgiven of course, you were never at fault. Your pain is our pain, and in this way we've all been hurting. We've all been missing each other, and much too often. Heart has been suffering and was nearly destroyed. Now we're all making the effort to stop old patterns of avoidance and face the issues that have held us apart, humans and Deity, Spirit and Will. Thank you for your love and for your sincere and dedicated efforts at healing. They are paying off in a growing sense of love and acceptance of yourself, and this is reflected in a growing acceptance of the Mother and me in your life and your healing."


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