"This is Spirit, and this class begins
with a story about what happened in the very beginning. As I
have said, I am evolving,
as is all of Creation. And because I am evolving, I am more aware
now than I was. At first I was not even aware of myself as a
Being, or that I was creating anything. As I began to awaken,
I began to realize more about who I was and what I was doing,
primarily the heretofore-unconscious activity of creating.
"I was not yet aware that there was a
'medium' into which my Light poured and which contained it. Nor
did I have any idea that this medium, the container of Creation,
was herself a living, feeling being
that was different than me.
"Even as I was recognizing myself to
be Light, I hadn't yet realized the space that was holding my
Light was being opened for me, and I had no idea that the one
who was opening the space for me and Creation was the One for
whom it was being created. I now know that what I had initially
thought to be a void is actually the purpose of my existence,
my one true love, my Desire, the Mother
of Creation, the Universal Feminine.
"Later, as I became more awake, I began
to realize there was something other than me, but I didn't know
what it was. At the time I was very involved inside of myself;
I was discovering my existence as I continued to awaken, and
I gradually began forming an identity for myself in a delightful
field of oceanic wonder and bliss."
"I know now that I was pure consciousness expanding and
unfolding, and I was beginning to become aware of myself as pristine,
clear Light. It gave me great pleasure to know myself in this
way; I was consciousness reflecting upon consciousness, and this
self-examination endlessly fascinated me.
"I knew myself as an infinitely expanding and unbounded
field of self-reflecting awareness. I looked everywhere and found
that it was all me. I knew that I was the one, whole everything.
Later, as I awakened to more of my identity I realized I was
the fount of all Creation. In your terms, I knew myself as God.
The Mother is Attacked
"The first realization that there may
be something other than me came as subtle, disquieting disturbances,
sensations something like wiggles and distortions in my Light.
Although I was clear that I was not causing this wiggling, I
was still in the process of waking up, so I was only vaguely
aware that something was affecting me that was not me. I experienced
these strange sensations coming from something outside of myself
to be a distraction from the reverie of my expanding self-awareness.
"I experienced them as a nuisance or bother, as you might
find annoyance with an offensive buzzing insect. Without conscious
volition, I instinctively sent sharper-than-usual spikes of light
in the direction of the disturbances, just as you might use your
hand to swat a mosquito; I didn't like it and I wanted it to
go away. Absentmindedly, I hoped that my sharply spiked light
would stop the distractions.
"Since I did not even know she was there,
I could not have realized that the sharp energy of my spikes
of light was being received by the Universal Feminine as painful
attacks. I now know that she was trying to send me messages by
moving and wiggling and squeezing to get my attention and let
me know of her presence. I now understand that she believed I
would be happy to know she was there, and that she had opened
to me in love, fully expecting my Light to be excited by her
wiggles and passionately drawn by the beauty and wonder of her
magnetic energy of desire.
"However, instead of receiving the love and intimate connection
she was calling to herself in a very vulnerable and sensitive
state, she was shocked and hurt by my violently negative response
to her movements. What had seemed to me like a minor disturbance
and annoying encounter with some pollution of my Light was to
her a devastating series of intensely painful blows to the core
of her most sensitive nature. This unexpected and unwarranted
attack caused her to close completely to my Light."
Spirit is Disturbed and Feels Degraded
"Of course at the time I didn't know
about any of this happening to her. When the distractions and
annoyances stopped, I went back deep inside to the wondrous bliss
of my self-reflection. I was still waking up to who and what
I was, and I was not yet ready to explore even the possibility
that there was something other than my magnificent, all encompassing
Light. I had unwittingly denied her and her magnetic presence
for the first time.
"My reveries were different after that
experience. The first difference I noticed was that my Light
was no longer uniformly bright or so purely clear. There were
now what seemed like contaminants in my Light; a slightly golden
hue was present in the area where I first experienced the annoyances.
There were also places where my Light was no longer absolutely
bright.
"Other blemishes were now lodged in areas
of my Light adjacent to the golden tinge. I had the growing sense
that I was no longer my original self; no longer the bright,
pure, clear white Light I had first known myself to be.
"I felt that I was somehow polluted, and I recoiled from
those parts of my Light that were no longer purely me. I ignored
them so that I could return to my inner reverie, and for a long
while I forgot about what had happened there. Although I didn't
know this at the time, in doing so I had for the first time denied
parts of myself.
"Something else I didn't know at the time was that the Universal
Feminine had input for me about our relationship and guidance
about the nature of what would become our Creation. However,
since I was still oblivious to her existence, all I knew is that
I had been disturbed and that I had put an end to it, however
not without enduring some degradation to my integrity and sense
of self."
The Universal Feminine is Damaged
"I've learned quite a lot since those
earliest stages of my evolution. For instance, I've learned that
Desire's essence is magnetic and draws light to her. Due to her
essential magnetic nature, once light of any kind has entered
her field, she must hold it within herself regardless of how
it feels to her. She has not had a way of expelling negative
spirit energy on her own without help from positive spirit energy.
"She can throw off the negative light only if she can move
in the presence of positive, loving Light; unloving Light can
not move out of her without Light that is loving toward her being
there to replace it. When this happens, she is empowered to move
in the ways she desires.
"Her healing happens when she is able to be herself and
move at will. Although this kind of movement can sometimes be
violent and scary to consciousness, it always brings healing
when it happens in the presence of my unconditional loving acceptance
for everything that is being felt and expressed during the process.
"However, the very first light she received
from me was not only unloving, it was hostile toward her and
her movements. Those initial experiences of my hostility created
very deep imprints in her magnetic essence. Not only did she
take in the direct pain of my hostility and unloving attacks,
she took it that there must be
"In experiencing these initial unconscious attacks she realized
that she was defenseless, and this terrified her. After repeated
attacks, she became certain that she was not safe in the presence
of light, any light at all.
"She was also deeply damaged in the essential sense of her
magnetic attractiveness. On some occasions she took the attacks
to mean that she was wrong to be attractive because her attractiveness
is what drew the pain to her. On other occasions she took the
attacks to mean that she was not attractive enough to draw positive
attention, as if she did not deserve or was somehow unworthy
of loving Light, and only worthy of pain and denial.
"After each attempt she had made to reach me and expose
me to the beauty of her intensely magnetic love, she received
shockingly painful responses and finally gave up trying. The
overall sense she drew from all of this is that she was terribly
damaged and fundamentally unlovable.
"In all the eons of existence, these initial imprints have
not yet been healed. The Light of unconditional loving acceptance
has not yet reached many of the places in the Universal Feminine
that were the most hurt by my initial hostility toward her. Although
until recently they have been very deeply buried, these original
imprints have influenced every interaction she and I have ever
had, and they are still active as the root cause of all of the
pain and suffering that you have ever experienced.
"My purpose here is two-fold. As I have said, I am here
to help you awaken from the dream that you are no more than the
person you have thought yourself to be, so you can recognize
your full identity as the wondrous, divine Being you truly are.
And of course your awakening is very important.
"However, I have an even more important purpose to explore
with you here. I am inviting you join me in my quest to aid my
Desire, the Universal Feminine, as the catalyst of your awakening.
Together we can help her find and heal all of her lost parts
that were first damaged in Our original contact, and then deeply
hurt over and over again in later reenactments of those first
tragic, and yet necessary encounters. This will not be easiest
thing you've ever done, but I promise it will be the most fulfilling."