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Mother and Spirit in Dialogue, Page IV
Channelers' note: This is the fourth page in a continuing dialogue between the Mother and Spirit. There are three previous pages in this series: Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish, Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology, Page III: God Responds to the Mother's Invitation
Cinderella and the Dark Wizard
Cinderella in the House of God The Mother Feels Obligated The Dark Wizard and the Mother
Cinderella in the House of God
"This is Mother. Spirit, you ask me now to tell you what else you need to know. I want to say 'thanks' for asking... but I can't yet. I want to say 'forgive me' for being so ungrateful, but I struggle to keep the lid on my projected self-guilt. It's okay for me not to want to appreciate your efforts thus far. I'm skeptical at best, and I have no trust. It's just how I feel.
"How do I feel about you? You created the manifested spirits God, to be a mirror reflection of you. So you could see yourself in us. But you were forever lolly-gagging around, indulging yourself in your one-way mirror. Thanks to your denials, the mirror that only shows you what you want to see.
"Here we are God! Reflecting you back to you. Here we are, we're still being what you asked us to be, something to reflect you... so you may see you own Light, your own image, so you could know all about yourself.
"But we have been here watching and suffering while you've primped and preened in front of us... your ego mirror. Fluffing your hair, inspecting your teeth, stopping occasionally to look out over creation only to find chaos and anarchy. 'What the hell is going on out there? And where the hell is that God-damned Mother?', you bellow for effect. And yes indeed God, you damned the Mother. 'Where the hell is she and what the hell is she doing now?' As if you really wanted to know anything about what you'd denied for so long.
"Since forever I have been carrying the burden of responsibility for cleaning up this mess. And all this time I had believed it was all my fault. My guilt caused me to slink back into the shadowy closets of Creation whenever I heard you bellow. Feeling so guilty and ashamed of the mess I had made. I was a mess, and messiness seemed to haunt me. Hiding in the closet, more mess would drop out from under my robes and pile up in a heap around my feet.
"I couldn't stop it from happening. Every time I turned around, more mess would fall out. I would try to sweep it up into the closet. 'Shushing' it into silence. Cramming it all in and squeezing the door shut... as you, Spirit marched your way through the halls of our house looking for me. And asking me yet again to explain this mess.
"I trembled and put on my best face. 'What mess Sire?' I felt like a scullery maid, like Cinderella, who couldn't help but leave cinders everywhere she went. 'You know perfectly well what mess I'm talking about. Look at this place! It's a disaster! Nothing like I planned! Kids running around everywhere, out of control. And they won't listen to a damn thing I say. There is clutter all over the floor that trips me up whenever I try and float above it. And I can't touch anything in here without getting dark soot on my fingers. Where the hell is all this soot coming from?'
"More charred cinders drop from my tattered rags and fall on the floor around my shoes. I quickly scuttle them behind me, into the shadows where God can't see. He hears the tinkle as they hit the floor and spins around on his heels. 'I heard that. What the hell was that?' He is suspicious. He believes I am the one creating all this mess, but he has no tangible proof as yet. 'I know you're behind all this mess, Cinderella', he growls in a menacing tone; his eyes piercingly cold, his hands gripping my chin, forcing me to hold his gaze... but I cannot. I am too ashamed.
"And he is right. It IS my mess. It IS my fault. But I can't seem to stop the cinders from falling. I don't move, and still they fall out. I quit breathing, and they fall out. What are these blackened charred cinders? I pick them up to examine them, but they are burned beyond recognition. And why do they keep falling from under my robes?
"'CLEAN THIS PLACE UP!!' Creation quakes from the force of his bellowing rage. This mess is definitely my fault. It is from me that the cinders fall. I am the one making this mess, and it is only a matter of time before God puts two and two together. He will make me pay for sure."
The Mother Feels Obligated
Channeler: The Mother tells me she has long since known what was necessary to heal the rift between her and God. She says she has always known she must open her heart to God to heal their pain. She has felt responsible and thus guilty for God's pain. It is this guilt that has pushed her to open her heart for "the cause".
She feels that unless she opens her heart, God will continue to suffer in torturous heart pain and grief. God's heart hurts and it is her fault, so she believes. She feels she is the only one who can heal his pain and that she is to blame for torturing him so. How could she be such an evil Queen? He is in pain, and it's all her fault.
So with the power of her guilt she has ripped herself open, exposing her heart to him for his Light to enter and punish her. She has believed she has deserved punishment to her Heart. She has believed God has a right to punish her because she hurt him so deeply. A core part of her has always believed that she had to endure the wrath of God getting even with her in her Heart. And that once his venting was over, they could begin the process of healing. The Mother has believed that pain must precede healing.
Because she believed this, she attracted this. When her guilt ripped her heart wide open, without guards or boundaries, denied light pummeled her heart. It was what she expected, so she endeavored to endure it. She thought it was God moving past his pain. The Mother sacrificed her Heart again, and again, and again... all in the name of love.
But it wasn't love. It wasn't even God. Each event caused her to fragment but she believed she just had to ride out the storm and the worst would soon be over. She felt obligated to endure God's punishment. She felt it was her guilt-ridden duty to let him into her heart. She told herself to "Just hold on. Learn how to surf the pain. It'll all be over soon". She put all her energy into managing the pain. This coping was dissociation. This dissociation was the fragmentation of the Mother's Heart.
She thought she was demonstrating to God the depths of her love and commitment. She volunteered her heart as the harbor for his storms. And of course, as God admits, he sat up there in his Godhead throne throwing lightning bolts into her heart because he too believed she was the cause of his pain.
Many lost Will recovery attempts have been made. Each time the Mother felt responsible - guilty - and therefore obligated to endure yet another painful rescue mission. Her guilt wouldn't allow her to say "No." She couldn't say "No." How could she say "No?"
God cycled through various waves of compassion for the Mother, his lost Love. And when he grieved her absence, yearned for her companionship, he would initiate yet another recovery attempt. But all these attempts were doomed to fail. The Mother's obligatory guilt, her denials of not truly desiring Spirit's presence, not having full acceptance for his love and Light... out of fear from the past... Spirit's denials of secretly wanting to punish her for his own heart pain and his denied rage at the "mess" she had made of "his" creation.
God could not bring his Light into manifestation. He could not bring his Light to the Mother so he commissioned Surrogates to act on his behalf. God sought out Missionary Knights to go forth and seek out the Mother, conveying his wishes for reunion. But his denials made his love shallow and conditional. And the Mother's denials made her love obligatory.
Some of those volunteering were among the Fallen Angels, leaping at the opportunity to rip the heart of the Mother to shreds; their intention of course to kill the Will. But they deceived God in the beginning, pledging nothing but loyalty and servitude. Spirit did not see his denials empowering these Angels. He did not see how his comfort with such beings sentenced the Mother to death, yet again.
After the Fallen Angels made clear their positions with the Mother, he sought out Heart in alignment with his new found wisdom. Surely his Heart would be able to align with the Mother's Heart and convey his message truthfully, in a language she would surely understand. But there was dissension in these ranks as well, and although these Missionary Knights had pure healing intent at the outset, they soon found themselves in various entanglements with the Mother. Some fell in love with her and through their denied jealousy of God, these spirits of Heart deliberately twisted God's words so they could have the love of the Mother all to themselves.
What opened up the Mother to this onslaught of failed recovery attempts was her initial encounter with the Dark Wizard in Pan. The imprints created there formed the blueprint for future failed Lost Will recovery attempts.
Channeler: The Dark Wizard is a master craftsman of his trade. He uses Denial as the medium for shaping and forming the exact reality Denial believes already to be true. He is a master at producing the reality Denial expects to see.
He found the Mother alone in Pan, somewhat bewildered about the absence of God, beginning to believe she must await his return. When the Dark Wizard first approached her, she assumed he was sent by God, on his behalf. She tensed in fear. She closed herself down all around herself. She could feel his malevolence approaching, encroaching. She recognized this energy. She had felt it before. But the guilt in her Heart demanded she be open to all possibilities of reconciliation with God.
He approaches and says, "Hello Mother. You've been expecting me."
The Mother remembers her feelings at the time:
"I am slightly bewildered because I hadn't been expecting him. Yet I am not surprised by his arrival either. I didn't have this awareness then, but a deep part of me had indeed been expecting him. I had been expecting pain and torture to enter my Heart as the necessary component to heal with God, my penance for being so... messy. And since fear carries its own self-fulfilling prophecy, the Dark Wizard manifested as the reality my denials expected to see, just what I had anticipated at that deep level of my fear.
"'Ah, you have understanding'. He's reading my thoughts? How can he do that? How can I hide from him?
"'You can't hide from me, dear. You secretly want me to be here, and your secrets have revealed themselves to me - because you wanted them to.'
"I withdraw in guilt and shame because his words seem to speak truth. I didn't understand then. But because I believed my Heart must endure Spirit's painful wrath to facilitate our healing, I created the belief system in my heart that "pain is pleasure." The reality that then formed for me was that only through experiencing pain first can one experience pleasure. The imprints that formed this ancient and deeply held belief system still reenact sado-masochistic behaviors on every level of reality. All in the name of love. Love with God was my Heart's desire then, but it was impossible. Even my own Heart was turned against me.
"'Oooh, clever girl.' He raises my hand to his lips. 'Now...', he moves immediately into my space, pressing his closeness up against me. I feel his breath in my face. His whispers echo loudly all around me, 'We need to have a conversation about Creation. I am part of Creation. And yet everyone denies this to be true. In seeking to deny my existence they give me strength as I embody their denials and present them in form. The harder they try to deny me the larger and stronger I grow.'
"'I am the Denial Master because they have made me so. They are the Original Masters of Denial, and I've learned it from them. THIS TOO... they deny. HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA... It is so delicious, eating their denials. And they are forever serving them up to me. Such a banquet! Such a decadent feast! They deny that they deny. And so I grow. Denial is a reality, my dear. This you cannot deny. And I simply seek to express myself. Can you deny me my right to expression?'
"Yes, Spirit, he is indeed a master. And we did indeed birth him, by virtue of our joint denials. 'I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE. DON'T YOU DARE DENY ME MY RIGHT TO EXISTENCE.' Upon this bellowing he blows up into the skies, penetrating the atmosphere in a wizardly cloud of black smoke, a black plume of atomic explosion. He then draws himself back down into his manifested presence; seemingly collecting himself back into poise, control.
"'Now then... what are you going to do about me?', tapping his finger lightly on the end of my nose. He rings himself around me in a frenzied dance chanting, 'You can't deny me. You can't deny me. You can't deny me. La la la la la laaaaa'. While he is self-absorbed in his victory dance, an awareness creeps into my consciousness.
"He was trying to convince me that he is a separate being unto himself - as if he was birthed like the emergent spirits, and therefore has a right place. But in truth he is not a separate being with a separate identity. He is a collection of denied essence, a not-being full of denied denials. He is a conglomerate of gaps and separateness, and having no originality in him. Therefore, when all these denials are owned by loving Spirit, he will simply cease to exist.
"He has managed to convince himself he is an original being with the right therefore to demand his right place. But of course, the Denial Wizard is in denial. He is in denial of his true identity, and thus feeds his own existence with his own denial. At that time, however, I was unaware of this information.
"'So, my pretty pet,' he says stroking my face with his witchy fingers. 'If you want to heal your relationship with God you have to let me in. You have to include me. You cannot heal with God and exclude me... because I am God. I am his denials. I am all that he has denied of himself. All my essence is really his, therefore I am God. So if you wish to heal with God, you must let me in to be a part of that process. I have to be included.'"
Channeler: The Mother loves everything in her Creation. And she knows well the pain of being forced to live outside of God's Light. She could not ask this experience of another. It wasn't that she opened her heart and let the Dark Wizard in. But through her guilt and her many faulty core beliefs he wormed his way in and has been living there as a parasitic infestation ever since.
"Spirit, as I learn to have acceptance for myself, I am learning I do not need to sacrifice my Heart to you. I am releasing my long-held judgments against myself, and my guilt for your pain. I do not have to bear the burden of the responsibility for this task anymore. I don't have to let you in.
"You have to prove yourself worthy of entrance to my heart before I can consider it. That burden now rests on your shoulders, and I am very glad you have acknowledged that you are intent upon redeeming your Will-hating denials before approaching me.
"I am taking on the responsibility of loving myself now, nothing more, nothing less. This is the only task that should have been expected of me from the beginning. This is the only task I should have expected of myself.
"When I know you as only loving Light, I shall begin opening some of the doors in our House of Pain. I will be there to parent and protect each tortured part of myself as she speaks her pain, to assure that only Loving Light free of denials be present for these very damaged and frightened fragments of my lost Will.
"And as I have said, when I open each door you will enter and sit face to face with the fragment you created. You will not speak. You will only listen. You will listen to her story. She must speak to be removed from victimhood. You must listen to validate her pain. She will speak until she has nothing more to say. And you will listen until she tells you she is finished. Then, and only then can each fragment open her heart to you."
Next~ The Mother's House of Pain
Next~ Dialogue Page IV: The Mother's Apprehension
Dialogue Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish
Dialogue Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology
Dialogue Page III: God Responds to the Mother's Invitation
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