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"This is Mother. Spirit, in my House of Pain... you will feel every blow you ever delivered to the Mother. You know it must be this way. There is no other. The Mother has demonstrated unequivocal courage in opening her door to you. Can you demonstrate the same by accepting my invitation to enter my house of pain? Are you as strong as the Mother? Can you in fact withstand the pain you asked me to endure in the course of your 'adolescent years'?"
Channelers' note: This page is a continuation of the Mother & Spirit in Dialogue. Charcoal Mother is the first of the stories of the Mother's most tortured fragments, the lost Will of Creation. They will be speaking here with the protection and guidance of parental Mother, and many for the first time in the presence of loving Light
"At last you have come, Spirit... come to a 'little' fragment like me. And my welcome? A hot, involuntary spurt of urine and the urgent need to void my bowels. Such is my terror, my shock, my shame. I have the Mother's guidance here and, so I will try to speak. But still I cannot raise my gaze to your face, and my mouth is unbearably dry.
"I HATE THIS, I HATE YOU. AND MOST OF ALL, I HATE ME.
"I hate what I am, what you made me become, and I hate feeling so guilty about it. You have made me hate myself so much that time after time I have let the torturers in and shown them my most sensitive places, to help them do their job.
"Right now you see my terror, but I am not just terror. I am black, death-dealing rage. And I am the most hopeless, bitter heartache there is. Before I tell you more, look at the room I have here. Strange, isn't it? A narrow pallet for sleeping, a hard chair for sitting, and huge piles of charcoal in every other available place.
"The room is black with it, I am black with it, my hands, even my lips. Worthless? It is all dead, dying, lost, unwanted Mother essence - much of it is mine, burned out from too much pain. And even more of it I have found and kept with me.
"The Mother's unwanted ashes. Too often her remains have been defiled and desecrated by Lucifer and others. I protect this essence, and even in the state it is now, I venerate it. I will not see it abused and defiled, it is a forlorn hope I have... that one day these remains may reignite through love, and light into life once again.
"You see God, I have always been the Mother of misfits, madcaps and miscreants, of the shamed and the contemptible. I am the Mother of the pretty but thin exterior, concealing deformed, maggot-ridden monstrosity. Essence to make you vomit!
"Let me remove these rags and show you.... I am a Mother of the unseen, the unheard... Mother of those who don't count. I am a Mother of outsiders, and even among the other outsiders I am the one whom nobody likes, the weird one, the one who makes them uncomfortable. Yes! In all the low-life gutters where I have lived, that is how it has been.
"MY TERROR IS SUCH THAT I HAVE SUFFERED SOME OF THE MOST HORRIBLE TORTURES AND DESPICABLE CRIMES IN HISTORY.
"MY ENRAGED SELF-HATRED IS SUCH THAT I AM THE PERPETRATOR OF SOME OF THE MOST TERRIBLE AND DESPICABLE CRIMES IN HISTORY.
"Look Spirit, look at the delicate intricacy of my twistedness - when I use the words 'most despicable' and 'most twisted' I mean it too, no hyperbole here. The extent of my heartbreak about this a never-ending scream, a murder of all hope. It is a mountain breaking open and ripping the very Earth herself.
"But it is a silent scream, it goes inward as it rips into my core. Because you were always telling me to shut up.
"My worst pain is the extent of your violation of me. You interfered with my delicate beingness at her deepest and innermost levels. I thought I was opening to let Love in, and you ripped into me so deeply you basically changed my essence, damaged the DNA of my soul.
"These wounds have made me incapable of manifesting my dream, up till now I have only been able to manifest my nightmares. Your abuse of my sexuality, was so terrifyingly studied, violent and severe that now whether I try to be sexual or celibate, WHATEVER I do regarding sex, I am in horrific and unmanageable pain about it.
"My pain-pleasure responses are so fucked that I have stopped trying to sort it out. For a long time I believed Lucifer when he said that I liked pain, and that made me bad. Parts of me do get excited by pain, but that's because you and Lucifer pounded and imprinted it into me so I no longer could know what was what.
"Then you laughed about it. Lucifer is pulling me along the ground by my hair, there is a laughing jeering crowd. You watch from above with an amused twinkle in your eye. I try desperately to laugh too, even though he is kicking and beating me now.
"I want to show you that I can take a joke, that I'm a fun person; I want to feel accepted, even if it does mean pain and degradation. What a laugh! How can I join in the joke? But I AM the fucking joke - yours and Lucifer's, and I always have been.
"For me sex was my deepest joy and my favorite way of showing my love for you. But this very force that drives Creation itself, MY DESIRE... has been the source of my greatest pain, heartbreak and self-hatred. This perversity has spawned my most intense terror and my most intense rage and the cost in suffering is impossible to quantify. Look again at all the charcoal in my room in this House of Pain.
"Oh God! Was it so terrible to want to love and be loved by you? To open so deeply and so quickly to you? For eons I have wept and screamed for your love and begged you to come to me. I have sacrificed myself countless times to try to show you my love. I so wish that you had come to me when I was young and new - but you come to me NOW when I am THIS.
"The Bride I wished to be for you is ruined, much of her lies lifeless in this charcoal I keep. I myself am something between an abused and terrorized child, a savage she-wolf and a diseased, bitter old woman nearing death. The lovely young woman I dreamt of becoming was never allowed to manifest. You wouldn't permit it.
"Look at me in my disease and filth, God. Smell me. Can we heal and love her into manifestation, that woman who was going to be me? You tell me. I have needed to show you the extent of my damage, and perhaps I have sounded harsh to you. I have needed to know whether you would be prepared to take on not only me... but the lost charcoal Mother, for she and I are one now. I will not leave her.
"Believe me Spirit, even in this state I still have my dream of our love together. The Mother of Everything tells us you have finally realized she is your Heart's Desire. But all through this I have been unable to raise my head.
"Please lift my face for me... and kiss my eyes. Embrace me!
"Take me into your arms and never let me go. Even when I scream and try to claw you like a wild beast - whatever I've been, done, whatever I am...
"I ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
"And I still do."
Next: House of Pain, Stop Eating Us
Dialog Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish
Dialog Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology
Dialog Page III: God Responds to the Mother's Invitation
Dialog Page IV: Cinderella & the Dark Wizard
Mother Pages Index | Mother Pages Introduction
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