"This is Spirit, and this class
begins with a story about what happened in the very
beginning. As I have said, I am
evolving, as is all of Creation. And because I
am evolving, I am more aware now than I was. At
first I was not even aware of myself as a Being, or
that I was creating anything. As I began to awaken,
I began to realize more about who I was and what I
was doing, primarily the heretofore-unconscious
activity of creating.
"I was not yet aware that there was a
'medium' into which my Light poured and which
contained it. Nor did I have any idea that this
medium, the container of Creation, was herself a living, feeling being
that was different than me.
"Even as I was recognizing myself to
be Light, I hadn't yet realized the space that was
holding my Light was being opened for me, and I had
no idea that the one who was opening the space for
me and Creation was the One for whom it was being
created. I now know that what I had initially
thought to be a void is actually the purpose of my
existence, my one true love, my Desire, the Mother of Creation, the
Universal Feminine.
"Later, as I became more awake, I
began to realize there was something other than me,
but I didn't know what it was. At the time I was
very involved inside of myself; I was discovering my
existence as I continued to awaken, and I gradually
began forming an identity for myself in a delightful
field of oceanic wonder and bliss."
"I know now that I was pure consciousness expanding
and unfolding, and I was beginning to become aware
of myself as pristine, clear Light. It gave me great
pleasure to know myself in this way; I was
consciousness reflecting upon consciousness, and
this self-examination endlessly fascinated me.
"I knew myself as an infinitely expanding and
unbounded field of self-reflecting awareness. I
looked everywhere and found that it was all me. I
knew that I was the one, whole everything. Later, as
I awakened to more of my identity I realized I was
the fount of all Creation. In your terms, I knew
myself as God.
The Mother is Attacked
"The first realization that there may
be something other than me came as subtle,
disquieting disturbances, sensations something like
wiggles and distortions in my Light. Although I was
clear that I was not causing this wiggling, I was
still in the process of waking up, so I was only
vaguely aware that something was affecting me that
was not me. I experienced these strange sensations
coming from something outside of myself to be a
distraction from the reverie of my expanding
self-awareness.
"I experienced them as a nuisance or bother, as you
might find annoyance with an offensive buzzing
insect. Without conscious volition, I instinctively
sent sharper-than-usual spikes of light in the
direction of the disturbances, just as you might use
your hand to swat a mosquito; I didn't like it and I
wanted it to go away. Absentmindedly, I hoped that
my sharply spiked light would stop the distractions.
"Since I did not even know she was
there, I could not have realized that the sharp
energy of my spikes of light was being received by
the Universal Feminine as painful attacks. I now
know that she was trying to send me messages by
moving and wiggling and squeezing to get my
attention and let me know of her presence. I now
understand that she believed I would be happy to
know she was there, and that she had opened to me in
love, fully expecting my Light to be excited by her
wiggles and passionately drawn by the beauty and
wonder of her magnetic energy of desire.
"However, instead of receiving the love and intimate
connection she was calling to herself in a very
vulnerable and sensitive state, she was shocked and
hurt by my violently negative response to her
movements. What had seemed to me like a minor
disturbance and annoying encounter with some
pollution of my Light was to her a devastating
series of intensely painful blows to the core of her
most sensitive nature. This unexpected and
unwarranted attack caused her to close completely to
my Light."
Spirit is Disturbed and Feels
Degraded
"Of course at the time I didn't know
about any of this happening to her. When the
distractions and annoyances stopped, I went back
deep inside to the wondrous bliss of my
self-reflection. I was still waking up to who and
what I was, and I was not yet ready to explore even
the possibility that there was something other than
my magnificent, all encompassing Light. I had
unwittingly denied her and her magnetic presence for
the first time.
"My reveries were different after
that experience. The first difference I noticed was
that my Light was no longer uniformly bright or so
purely clear. There were now what seemed like
contaminants in my Light; a slightly golden hue was
present in the area where I first experienced the
annoyances. There were also places where my Light
was no longer absolutely bright.
"Other blemishes were now lodged in
areas of my Light adjacent to the golden tinge. I
had the growing sense that I was no longer my
original self; no longer the bright, pure, clear
white Light I had first known myself to be.
"I felt that I was somehow polluted, and I recoiled
from those parts of my Light that were no longer
purely me. I ignored them so that I could return to
my inner reverie, and for a long while I forgot
about what had happened there. Although I didn't
know this at the time, in doing so I had for the
first time denied parts of myself.
"Something else I didn't know at the time was that
the Universal Feminine had input for me about our
relationship and guidance about the nature of what
would become our Creation. However, since I was
still oblivious to her existence, all I knew is that
I had been disturbed and that I had put an end to
it, however not without enduring some degradation to
my integrity and sense of self."
The Universal Feminine is Damaged
"I've learned quite a lot since those
earliest stages of my evolution. For instance, I've
learned that Desire's essence is magnetic and draws
light to her. Due to her essential magnetic nature,
once light of any kind has entered her field, she
must hold it within herself regardless of how it
feels to her. She has not had a way of expelling
negative spirit energy on her own without help from
positive spirit energy.
"She can throw off the negative light only if she
can move in the presence of positive, loving Light;
unloving Light can not move out of her without Light
that is loving toward her being there to replace it.
When this happens, she is empowered to move in the
ways she desires.
"Her healing happens when she is able to be herself
and move at will. Although this kind of movement can
sometimes be violent and scary to consciousness, it
always brings healing when it happens in the
presence of my unconditional loving acceptance for
everything that is being felt and expressed during
the process.
"However, the very first light she
received from me was not only unloving, it was
hostile toward her and her movements. Those initial
experiences of my hostility created very deep
imprints in her magnetic essence. Not only did she
take in the direct pain of my hostility and unloving
attacks, she took it that there must be something
wrong with her and that she did not deserve loving
attention.
"In experiencing these initial unconscious attacks
she realized that she was defenseless, and this
terrified her. After repeated attacks, she became
certain that she was not safe in the presence of
light, any light at all.
"She was also deeply damaged in the essential sense
of her magnetic attractiveness. On some occasions
she took the attacks to mean that she was wrong to
be attractive because her attractiveness is what
drew the pain to her. On other occasions she took
the attacks to mean that she was not attractive
enough, not good enough to draw positive attention,
as if she did not deserve or was somehow unworthy of
loving Light, and only worthy of pain and denial.
"After each attempt she had made to reach me and
expose me to the beauty of her intensely magnetic
love, she received shockingly painful responses and
finally gave up trying. The overall sense she drew
from all of this is that she was terribly damaged
and fundamentally unlovable.
"In all the eons of existence, these initial
imprints have not yet been healed. The Light of
unconditional loving acceptance has not yet reached
many of the places in the Universal Feminine that
were the most hurt by my initial hostility toward
her. Although until recently they have been very
deeply buried, these original imprints have
influenced every interaction she and I have ever
had, and they are still active as the root cause of
all of the pain and suffering that you have ever
experienced.
"My purpose here is two-fold. As I have said, I am
here to help you awaken from the dream that you are
no more than the person you have thought yourself to
be, so you can recognize your full identity as the
wondrous, divine Being you truly are. And of course
your awakening is very important.
"However, I have an even more important purpose to
explore with you here. I am inviting you join me in
my quest to aid my Desire, the Universal Feminine,
as the catalyst of your awakening. Together we can
help her find and heal all of her lost parts that
were first damaged in Our original contact, and then
deeply hurt over and over again in later
reenactments of those first tragic, and yet
necessary encounters. This will not be easiest thing
you've ever done, but I promise it will be the most
fulfilling."